


Thanks for the memories.

by Gge2016



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alcohol Abuse, Angst, Cheating, Depression, Eating Disorders, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Not between Pete and Patrick though, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicide Attempt, this is literally just one big mess of tears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-21 20:27:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8259562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gge2016/pseuds/Gge2016
Summary: Pete and Patrick separate after Patrick finds out Pete has been cheating on him for months. What happens Patrick starts dating someone else, who he quickly figures out is not the nicest person, has a horrible temper and is very controlling. Can Patrick make it out of this darkness or will the black hole around him get bigger and bigger until it swallows him whole.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a really short chapter but the next one will be a lot longer.

(Patrick's POV) 

I sat on the couch of mine and Pete's shared apartment, staring blankly at the sheet of paper that just shredded my heart. 

She's pregnant and this peice of paper confirms Pete is the father. Pete's been cheating on me, and he got Meagan pregnant. Pete's ex-girlfriend Meagan showed up at our door and handed me the envelope telling me to give it to Pete, then she left, without another word. 

Me being the curious person I was opened to envelope, I mean we open each others stuff all the time. What could it hurt? That term 'Curiosity kills the cat' its fucking true. 

Everything makes sinces now. For months Pete and been "working late" at the studio, always running errands and avoiding me. We haven't even slept together in almost 6 weeks... I should have know. I was just too stupid to realize what was going on right in front of me. 

I walked upstairs to our bedroom and grabbed a suitcase out of the closet and started packing. I didn't realize I was crying until I saw a tear fall into the shirt I was stuffing into the bag below me. 

I wiped my face hastily and continued packing, after about 10 more minutes of me throwing everything into a bag I heard the front door slam shut. 

Shit Pete's back. 

I quickly shoved the last of my stuff into the bag and zipped it up. I leaned forward and rested my hands on the bed and cried silently. 

"Are you planning on vacationing without me?" I heard for behind me. I tensed and stood up straight, wiping the tears off my face. 

I turned around to face Pete, and fuck... It hurt more then I thought it would to see him standing there, smiling, not giving a shit about me. He's been cheating on me for months, then comes home and acts... Normal..? 

Though his smile quickly dropped when he coughs a glimpse of my red eyes and tear stained face. 

"Patrick?" He said stepping into the room with a confused look on his face. "What happened? Are you okay?" 

"Congratulations." I said grabbing the sheet of paper off the bed and walking over to stand infront of him. 

"You're going to be a dad." I said swallowing to lump in my throat a shoving the piece of paper against his chest.

He stumbled a little bit and grabbed the paper. His eyes widened and he grew paler as he read more. 

"Please let me explain." Pete said with a hesitant expression on his face, dropping the paper to the floor and stepping closer to me. 

"Explain what? That you've been lying to me and fucking someone else for months? That you got someone pregnant? I understand pleanty. I don't want to listen to your excuses." I spat shoving his arm away when he reached for me. 

"I'm done." I said pushing past him and walking out the door, ignoring Pete quickly following me, yelling my name frantically. 

I got into my car and drove. I ended up driving for almost a full hour before I ended up at my old house. I sighed and stepped out of my car. The house was dusty but otherwise it looked the same as when I left it. That was almost two years ago. 

I knew I shouldn't have believed him. Every time Pete said 'I love you.' Every time he gasped the words out against my skin, every time he whispered them into my ear before a we went onstage. It was a lie. 

I was his dirty little secret, his secret that he was too ashamed to tell the world about. Not even our other band mates knew. We lived together as 'friends' that's what he told everyone. Every time I brought up the subject of coming out he would shut that conversation down quickly saying that he wanted us to keep our private lives private. 

Pete is ashamed of me, though I can't really blame him. Who wouldn't be? After all I'm nothing special. 

I love him but he doesn't love me. 

My chest aches with want as I try to sleep. I want Pete, I want to be better. Why couldn't he just tell me what he wanted? I could have changed. I could have tried to be better. Maybe then he wouldn't have to go to Meagan. 

Who am I kidding, who would choose me over a super model? 

Right, nobody would. 


	2. Chapter 2

(Patrick's POV)

2 weeks later.

Tour is starting. I don't really want to go but I can't really explain why I don't want to go to everyone else can I?

Uh... So Pete and I were dating for almost 4 years but then he started cheating on me and got someone pregnant.

Yeah that would work real well.

I haven't don't much since I've broken things off with Pete. I have spent most days laying in my bed or on the couch watching TV. After the second day I had to turn my phone of. The constant ringing was driving me insane.

The bus will be here in about 30 minutes to pick me up. I have everything packed and ready, I turn all the lights out and walk outside. It's cold, the bitter Chicago air chilling me through the coat I am wearing.

I sat on my stairs with my head in my hands thinking. Eventually my thoughts drift back to Pete. They always do.

Did I do something wrong? How did I mess everything up so badly. I drove him away. I wasn't good enough. That's why he went to someone else. Not me.

I heard the sound of the buss approaching and stood up and walked to the end of the sidewalk.

When the bus showed up I sighed and pulled the door open. I have to play this right. I can't let anyone figure out what happened. I glanced around checking out the new bus when I cought sight of Andy, Joe and Pete all in the living space of the bus.

"Hey guys." I said forcing on a smile that probably looked more like a grimace.

Andy and Joe waved at me and went back to whatever they were watching a the TV. Pete just stared at me.

I walked to the back of the bus and put my bag down, then picked out a bunk. When I choose my bunk I rested my head on the cool wood and sighed.

This is going to be a lot harder then I thought. Touring with Pete. I thought I could just ignore it, pretend it never happened, but that's not how it's going to work. I can't just forget everything that's happened. For years Pete is the only thing that made me happy, now that he's gone I don't feel much anymore.

I'm just kinda numb. I can't even cry, I've cried all I can cry the past two weeks.

"Trick..." Pete said lowly from behind me.

I didn't even bother moving, he'll leave soon enough.

"Look, we need to talk about this. Please, it was a mistake. I swear to god it didn't mean anything to me. I made a huge mistake Patrick... Please..." He said putting his hand on the small of my back.

"I can fix this, you just have to give me a chance." He whispered.

"Give you a chance?" I said turning around to face him.

"Why the hell would I do that? You can't fix this, you can't... She's pregnant! You've been cheating on me for months. Maybe I would have given you a chance if it was only one time, but months... Months Pete! You don't make the same mistake that many times." I snapped, running my hands over my face.

"You can quit this stupid act now. I get it, I was just something for you to have fun with, nothing more." I sad looking up at him and wrapping my arms around and waist.

"I was never that important to you, and don't you even try to say I was. Because if you cared you wouldn't have done this. You... We didn't even tell Andy or Joe. You were too fucking ashamed of me." I said digging my nails into my sides, hoping the phyiscal pain would distract me.

"So no, you can't fix this and you're not getting another chance. Just... Raise you kid and be happy with Meagan." I said softly, blinking away the tears that formed in the corners of my eyes.

"I'm sorry." Pete choked, reaching out to pull me into a hug. I put my hands on his chest stopping him.

"No. I told you, I'm done, it's over Pete." I said shanking me head. "We're done."

"I'm so fucking sorry Patrick. I'm so sorry." He repeated.

"Just... Please leave me alone for a while." I said said quitely. "Don't make this any harder then is has to be."

"I-I really do love you." Pete said softly, taking a step away from me.

"Well you have a strange way of showing it." I said walking past him and into the lounge/living area.

I sat down on the couch and sighed, beside me Joe was eating chips and drinking a beer.

"You want some man?" Joe asked gesturing to the bag of chips he had set out in front of him.

"Nah, I'm not really hungry." I replied. I wasn't lying, I haven't really had much of an appetite lately.

It's not like I really need it anyway, maybe I can lose a few pounds.

* * *

 

4 weeks later.

I've survived these last few weeks. Pete announced Megan's pregnancy, soon after that he told us they were dating.

Of course he had to announce it during an interview. It took so much effort to keep sitting there and not standing up and leaving. That night that was the first time I put a blade against my skin.

I am careful though, I didn't cut my arms. It's too risky, if someone saw... Well they don't care enough to notice anyway, but my thighs are a good place, away from prying eyes.

"Patrick you okay?" Andy asked me bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah. Fine." I said standing up and walking towards to door of the bus. "I just need some fresh air."

We are in Boston right now, I don't know much about this place only its fucking cold outside right now. I walked down the street and went into a small coffee shop I saw.

I glanced around the shop and pulled my hat a little lower, I don't want to be recognized right now, I just want to drink a hot coffee in peace.

I ordered my drink and sat down in a booth at the back of the small but cozy, warm room. After almost five minutes someone slid into the booth across from me.

I glanced up and my breath caught in my throat. The man sitting across from me was stunning. He had jet black hair and ice blue eyes. I haven't even given dating other people a though since Pete... But he has Meagan now, he's moved on. Why can't I do the same. 

"Well when you're done staring I would love to introduce myself." The man said with a thick New England accent.

I laughed and held my hand out.

"Sorry about that, I'm Patrick." said grinning as he shook my hand.

"Not to be rude but I think everyone knows who you are." He said smiling.

"My names Jackson, it's nice to meet you Patrick." He said talking a sip of his coffee. 

I ended up talking to Jackson for almost two hours. I found out he was 35 years old, a plastic surgeon and was an only child. I actually had a good time talking to him. 

"Well Patrick." He said standing up. "I loved talking to you tonight and I would like to do it again some time." Jackson said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a peice of paper and scribbling his phone number down. 

"If you're ever in town again don't hesitate to call, I would love to take you out sometime." He said smiling. 

"I will, thank you. I really enjoyed talking with you tonight." I replied grabbing the piece of paper he held out to me. 

"I did also." He said walking towards the door. He turned around and waved before walking back out into the now dark city. 

I walked back to the bus feeling better then I've felt in a long time. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love writing scenes from the city I was born and raised in (Boston's North End). 
> 
> Anyway. I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter! 
> 
> BTW... This story is going to get really dark the next few chapters.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time. Skip. 
> 
> Meagan has the baby and Pete notices how weird Patrick is acting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Trigger Warning!"  
> There is a lot of verbal abuse and it gets slightly physical.

(Patrick's POV) 

6 months later. 

These last few months have been hell. Literally hell on earth. All durning tour I talked to Jackson, we even met up a couple more times, but after tour ended I went back to Chicago. We didn't talk much until he showed up at my door. 

It was a little strange, him living in Boston and all, then just showing up on my doorstep across the country but he was nice. Jackson told me he got a job at the hospital close to my place and rented an apartment a few streets over. 

Everything was good for a couple months. I introduced him to my band mates, Andy and Joe congratulated me and Pete glared at him the whole night. 

It started out gradually, sometimes Jackson would comment on how much I would eat or where I would go. I didn't think much about it, but one night I got annoyed and told him I was a big boy and could handle myself. 

That was the first night he hit me. 

After that he changed, he constantly told me what to do, how to act, what to wear and if I don't listen... He just adds more bruises to my body. I can't leave him though, he'll kill me, he said so himself.

Jackson is the kind of person who would actually do it to. He doesn't make empty threats.

He's been getting really agitated lately, a lot more then normal. He wants... He wants sex. I'm not ready for that yet. I know it's been a long time but I just... Can't do that yet. 

"Patrick I swear to God if you mention anything, even just a whisper to anyone, I will know. So you better keep your mouth shut tonight or your fatass will regret it." Jackson hissed as I sat in the car, waiting to go into the hospital to see Meagan and Pete's new baby. 

I nodded. 

"You have a voice fucking use it." He snapped. "Do you understand me?" 

"Yeah, I understand. No talking." I said quietly. 

"Good." He said getting out of his car, as I did the same. 

I haven't seen Pete or anyone else for that matter in a long time. I've lost a lot of weight. Finally. I don't eat much these days, I don't really feel hungry anymore. There is the constant sickness, like a knot of anxiety constantly in my stomach, and when I do eat I always end up throwing all up. Sometime on purpose, sometimes not. 

"Remember what I said." Jackson said lowly into my ear as he grabbed my hand squeezing a little harder then necessary.

I reached up and knocked on the door with the number Pete had texted me, room 648. 

"Come in." I heard Pete say on the other side of the door. 

"Jesus, why do you sweat so much?" Jackson said dropping my hand and moving his arm around my waist. 

Because I'm constantly nervous, scared that anything I say will get me another black eye or a bruised ribcage. Because I'm about to go see my ex-boyfriends baby and girlfriend, and I'm still madly in love with him. 

That would defiantly get me a black eye. 

Jackson pushed the door open and we walked in. I couldn't even bring myself to smile. Meagan was sitting on the bed holding the baby and Pete was standing behind her looking down at them both with a small smile on his face. 

He glanced up and his eyes widened when he saw us. Meagan doing the same. 

"Jeeze.. Patrick..." Pete said with a confused look on his face, looking me up and down. 

Well that hurt... This is the first time I've seen him and the first thing he does is criticize my body. The room was soon filled with an awkward silence. 

Jackson broke the tension by putting on a charming smile and dropped his arm from around my waist and walked over to Pete. 

"Congratulation man." He said to Pete. 

Him and Pete started up a conversation about something random about baseball or some shit like that. 

It was a weird, very weird seeing my boyfriend and my ex having a conversation, well I guess Jackson doesn't know about Pete and I, and I hope to god he doesn't ever find out. 

"Hey Patrick." Meagan said softly bringing me out of my thoughts. 

I looked up at her a put a small smile on my face. I can't be mad at her, she didn't know I was with Pete. None of this is her fault. It's only mine.

"Do you wanna hold him?" She asked. 

"Sure." I said walking over to her. Meagan handed me the baby and gestured to empty space beside her on the bed. I sat down and crossed my legs, carefully shifting the tiny baby in my arms. 

"What's his name?" I asked in a whisper. 

"Saint, his names Saint." She replied smiling down at her baby. I can tell she really loves him. 

"He's beautiful." I said smiling my first genuine smile in a long time. 

There's Something about baby's. They are innocent, pure, unmarked and just... They are like a blank canvas waiting to be painted by the world. I sure hope Saint makes it in this fucked up world. I hope he doesn't end up like me.  

I wonder what my canvas looks like now, scarred, bruised, broken? I'm not really sure. I don't think I want to know either.

"Hey, why are you crying, are you alright?" Meagan asked in a whisper, laying a hand on my arm. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Jackson is going to kill me. 

"I'm sorry." I said quickly slowly handing Saint back to Meagan and standing up and walking out, ignoreing Pete and Jackson asking me what's wrong. 

I shut the door quietly behind me and leaned my back against the wall beside the door and closed my eyes, trying to calm my breathing down to a normal pace. 

I almost succeeded but the door beside me opened and my eyes snapped open to. Jackson walked out with his lips pressed into thin lines and his eyes were blazing. 

He walked over to me and pressed me up against the wall holding me in place with a strong grip on both my upper arms. 

I used to fight back... But after a few times of being hit, kicked and punched so much I can't get out of bed the next day, I learned it's not worth it. He always wins.

"What the hell was that?" He spat bending down closer to me, I can feel his heavy breathing against the side of my neck. 

"Why would you start crying?" He hissed in my ear squeezing my arms even tighter. I whimpered when he moved his hand slightly higher and gripped hard over a bruise that was still sore from a couple days ago. 

"You're weak, you're a pathetic weak excuse for a human being." Jackson sneered pulling me away from the wall only to immediately push me back harder then before. 

I wheezed trying to regain my breath. 

"Woah..? What's going on out here? Everything okay?" I heard Pete's voice from behind me. 

"Of course." Jackson replied releasing his grip and running his hands up and down my arms before leaning back down to whisper in my ear. 

"Fix this and you better not breath a word about anything." He said extermly quitely, then kissing my cheek and stepping away from me. 

"I'm going to go grab Patrick and I a drink, I'll be back soon." Jackson said smiling and walking down the hall. 

As soon as Jackson turned the corner Pete stepped towards me and raised his hand. Out of reflex I flinch and stepped backwards. 

"I-I'm not going to hurt you Patrick..." Pete said softly talking another step towards me. I didn't step back this time. 

"Did he hurt you?" Pete asked brushing my bangs behind my ears. 

"No." I whispered, wondering if Pete can hear my heart pounding, because it feels like it's going to jump out of my chest.

"Trick, I've know you for 15 years. I can tell when you're lying..." Pete said slowly, his expression morphing into a look of hurt.

"The only person that ever hurt me was you." I snapped. 

"Patrick please, I know what I did was wrong, I know I fucked everything up." Pete said. "But if he's hurting you... You gotta tell someone." Pete added backing me up against the wall and putting both his hands on either side of my head. 

"Jackson did not hurt me. He never has and if he ever does I will leave on the spot." I said in a convincing voice. 

I wish that was true. I would give anything for that statement to be true, for someone to figure this out and help me, but nobody does. I'm alone. 

Pete nodded and leaned his head forward, I can feel his breath, hot against my lips. 

"I told Meagan, I told her about us, about  what I did, the cheating..." Pete whispered closing his eyes. 

"She was so mad at me, we didn't talk for a couple days... When we did she broke up with me, saying we were better off as friends. Patrick I don't... I can't love anyone else like I love you." Pete breathed leaning forward and kissing me. 

My eyes widened and I pushed him away quickly. 

"Pete, I-I have a boyfriend! I said breathing heavily. If Jackson ever finds out about this he'll kill me. 

"Yes, and your boyfriend is standing right here..." Jackson drawled from behind Pete. I glaced over Pete's shoulder and saw Jackson standing there with a blank face. My stomch dropped. 

I'm screwed. 

"Listen man I'm sorry. I don't know what I was doing." Pete said turning around to look at Jackson. 

"Mmhhh... Sure, you didn't. Are you ready to go home Patrick?" Jackson asked turning his gaze to me. I could see the fury in his eyes. 

"Uh-yeah." I said walking past Pete and over to Jackson who immediately grabbed my hand and lead me the other way.

"I guess I'll see you guys sometime soon then." Pete called out behind us. 

"Yep, definitely." Jackson said, failing at trying to sound sincere and not sarcastic.

"Bye Pete." I said turning and look over my should at him. Pete was staring at me with an intense look on his face. 

We turned to corner before Pete could reply. Jackson is squeezed my hand so tight I'm surprised I haven't felt any bones break. We walked in silence to the car. The silence is unnerving... Its scaring me. No, scratch that. I'm absolutely terrified. 

I almost wish he would yell, or spit harsh words at me... Almost.

When we got into the car is when Jackson spoke up. 

"When we get home, I'm going to make you wish you were never born." Jackson said emotionlessly. 

I looked over at him and saw his face was blank but he had a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel. 

This is going to be a long night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be up within the next few days. 
> 
> Just a head up. It will be EXTREMELY dark the next few chapters. 
> 
> Any suggestions on how I could make this story better?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Giant Trigger Warning" 
> 
> There is a lot of verbal and phyiscal abuse in this chapter. 
> 
> Also mentions of rape (Not graphically though) at the end of the chapter. 
> 
> Please, if you feel triggered in any way, feel free to skip this chapter.

(Patrick's POV)

When we pulled into the driveway of my house I was already breathing heavily and my heart is beating so fast it feels like it's going to stop any second.

I would much rather my heart stop then face what's going to happen as soon as I step inside the house.

"Get out." Jackson said in a clam voice. I realized that we were now parked and Jackson was standing beside the car with his door open.

I opened my door and as soon as I stood up my vision went blurry, I don't know if it's because I'm scared of from the fact that I haven't eaten in almost 3 days.

I followed Jackson into the house and took my jacket off, even though it's summer I have to wear one, my arms are littered in bruises.

As soon as I hung my jacket up Jackson slammed me up against the wall and pressed his forearm against my throat, not hard enough to interrupt my breathing but hard enough that I know it's there.

Enought to know that he's in control right now.

"I told you not to cause an interruption, and what did you do? You went in that room and you cried. You fucking cried!" Jackson said, his voice raising.

"Then I caught you kissing someone else..." He said in an eerily calm voice.

"No, plea-"

I was cut of by a sharp slap to my cheek, it didn't really hurt. I've gotten used to being slapped, but the look on his face is what make me shut my mouth.

"You're a whore." He spit, getting even closer to me.

That was new. A whore? He's never called me that before, but I can't say it didn't hurt.

"Did you let him fuck you? I bet you did you filthy slut, but he left you didn't he?" Jackson said with a dark smirk on his face.

I flinched and blinked back my tears, crying only makes everything worse.

"Oh my God... You did sleep with him. Didn't you?" He said after a few seconds with wide eyes.

I didn't answer I just stared at the floor as fear ran through my veins.

Jackson pulled his fist back and hit he hard in the stomach. I grunted and hunched over, putting a hand over the spot he just hit. I felt a single tear fall down my face.

"When I ask you a question, you answer me. Now. Did you sleep with him?" He asked, forcing be back up against the wall.

How can it get any worse?

"Yes." I said quitely and lifting my head up to look in his eyes. "Yes we slept together. I dated him for almost 4 years and he never hit me, you stupid peice of shit!" I yelled shoving him away from me.

I don't know where that came from, maybe he'll leave me alone. I'm scared and I dont know what else to do, he's never been this mad at me before. I knew I fucked up big time when he lifted his head up and I saw his face.

Rage. Hatred. Discussed. Absolute Fury.

Jackson stalked towards me and all I could do was back up against the wall, all the strength I had eariler it's gone... I closed me eyes, waiting for the blows to come.

Only they didn't come.

I opened my eyes and sucked in a sharp breath. Jackson was unbuckling his belt and jeans. I immediately realized what he was doing and I ran. He was blocking the front door, the only place I have to go is upstairs.

I sprinted up the stairs painfully aware of the footsteps thundering behind me. If I can just make it to the bedroom and lock the door.

I made it into the room and turned around quickly to slam the door shut, but Jackson caught it. He was trying to push the door open, and I put all my weight against the door trying to close it.

I started to cry as I knew my attempt at closing the door wasn't going to work, he's so much bigger then me, he's stronger.

When he pushed and stepped in the room I took a step back.

"Please, Jackson please don't do this. I'll do anything, I'll give you all the money you want and I won't tell anyone, just-just p-please..." I said as I stared to hyperventilate.

"You think money will help? I have pleanty of money." He sneered walking over to me.

"I've been dating your lazy ass for 6 months now and you haven't given me anything yet. You act all innocent, but you're anything but that." He said reaching up and wrapping his hand around my throat.

My hand automaticity went to his arm trying to break his hold.

"I bet you didn't make Pete wait this long." He said shoving me backwards onto the bed, with his hand still firmly rapped around my throat.

"Jackson stop." I gasped, the hand squeezing around my throat is getting a little too tight and I can hardly see past my tears.

I tried desperately to get away from him, I did anything. I kicked, hit, yelled, but nothing I did would work. I landed a hard punch to his jaw and he faltered only for a second before he punched me in the eye.

My vison went blurry and I went limp. My head feels like it's about to bust open and my body dead, I can't move. I need to move, get away from him but I can't. I'm trapped.

Screaming was useless. As soon as I yelled he hit me hard and shoved his hand over my mouth.

So I laid there, with tears falling down my face rapidly, ignoring the pain shooting through every inch of my body, staring blankly up at the man on top of me who had now taken everything from me.

I never thought he would take it this far. I can't recover from this, there's no making this better.

I'm dirty. I'm tainted. I'm absolutely disgusted by what I've let happen to myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Hated. Writing. This. Chapter. 
> 
> I know it's just a story... But (shivers)...
> 
> The next chapter will be up either later tonight or tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is bad. It's midnight and I wrote this in about an hour.
> 
> I haven't had the chance to edit this, so please excuse any mistakes!

(Patrick's POV)

3 days later.

It's been a few days since 'it' happened, and these few days went by torturously slow, I'm not really sure what 'it' was.

I should have... It was my fault, I should have given him what he wanted, I mean we have been dating for six months and I turned him down every time he asked about sex... I should listened. It would have been a lot less painful.

Now I feel like I'm stained, I feel dirty and no matter how many time I scrub my skin raw in the shower it won't go away.

I can't wash Jackson off my skin.

Which is why I'm in the shower again now, scrubbing my skin until it's bright red and cracking open.

I have to meet up with Pete today. I can't cancel, I need to go. I have to tell everyone bye. I'm don't want to do this any longer.

I don't want to keep living.

I turned to water off and stepped out of the shower. I shouldn't have looked in the mirror, I should have turned to other way, because what I'm staring at... I look... Dead?

My bones are are extermly visible, looking like they are going to break through my skin at any time, but that's not what bothers me. Not at all.

Its the bruises that seem to be permanently etched into my skin, my hips and thighs and covers in cuts and bruises, in the unmistakable shape of hands.

The right side of my face is busted and bruised also.

My neck though, there is a deep purple bruise that seems to get worse everyday, my throat and voice are totally fucked. I hope my voice goes back to normal, I can't even talk without a horrible pain in my throat.

I don't know how I'm going to hide this from Pete, I know I have to but how the hell do I hide a bruise that's wrapped around my neck. Or the one that is spread over my cheek.

I guess it doesn't even matter, it was my fault. Jackson is boyfriend, it's not like he's a random stranger...

He only wanted sex and I didn't say give it to him, so he just... Took it. It wouldn't have happened it I had just said yes.

I got dressed in nice clothes, and put on a scarf. It's the only way to cover my neck, but my face is the bigger issue, I will just say I got into a fight or something.

The drive to Pete house, which is where we are meeting is not far from here. I drove in silence, thinking about how easy is would be to just... Jerk the steering wheel, drive into a big building.

I really, really want to do that. Maybe I'd use a bridge. Yeah, that sounds better.

Soon, really soon. I just need to say goodbye to him, in person. I need to see him one more time.

I parked on the street in front of Pete's house and walked to the front porch. I miss this place, I miss Pete. This house holds so many memories, good and bad but I will always love it here.

I knocked three times on the door, it wasn't long before the door was pulled open and Pete was standing there smiling.

He's smile dropped and a look of anger washed over his face.

"Did he do that to you? Did he fucking hit you? I swear to god I'll kill hi-"

"Pete, what are you talking about?" I asked playing dumb. I hope he buys this story.

I used to want someone to find out, I wanted someone to notice, but not now. If anyone finds out what happened... If Pete does... I-they would all think I'm gross, hate me, Leave me, and forever this time. If they ever find out... No, they won't. I'll be gone before they figure it out. 

"Your face Patrick! I'm talking about your face." Pete said moving aside to let me in the house, I noticed we are the only ones here.

"Oh, that." I said laughing, trying not to cry out as my vocal cords protested.

"You have to promise you won't laugh at me... But I uh-I kinda got into a fight. Last night at a bar. Some dude was being an ass and I swung at him, but I didn't realize he had a bunch of friends with him." I said grinning weakly, shit my voice sounds horrible.

Pete stood there with his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised.

"You got into a fight?" He said flatly, taking a step towards me.

I flinched and stepped back. 'It's just Pete, he's not going to hurt me. I repeated over to myself. The images of the last time I saw Jackson flashing in front of my eyes rapidly.

The yelled, punches, him shoving me onto the bed and cover my mouth while I screamed. The blood and bruises afterwards. It's all playing, and it won't stop.

I can't breath normally, my chest is too tight and my stomach is tying it's self in knots. I'm going to be sick.

I pushed past Pete and walked quickly to the bathroom, I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet, in a position that I have been in a lot lately. Only this time I didn't force anything up.

I haven't eaten anything today so the only thing that came up was bile. I coughed when I was done heaving and I rested my hand against the porcelain, moving a hand to my aching throat.

I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders and squeezed my eyes shut. I know it's Pete. Pete won't hurt me. He's not Jackson. Jackson is not here, but the only thing I can think about is what happened a few nights ago. It's flooding my mind, it's drowning me.

"Hey breath, alright? It's just me. It's Pete. Calm down Patrick." Pete said softly, grappling me around the waist and pulling me into his lap.

I had to bite my tongue to keep for whimpering as Pete gripped a particularly painful bruise.

"Trick what happened?" Pete asked in a whisper running a hand through my hair, the other one resting firmly on my hip.

"I-I really haven't been feeling well lately." I said resting my head on his chest. It wasn't a lie but it wasn't really the truth.

I can't do this, I can't get close to Pete again. I'm not going to be here much longer. I just came to tell him goodbye.

It's just nice to have this last moment here with Pete. This is what I want to remember, not Jackson. Pete.

"That's not all... Is it?" He asked resting his chin on top of my head. "You can talk to me."

"Really Pete... I just haven't been feeling that good, that's all." I said sighing and standing up, wincing internally at the pain that shot through my lower back.

"Can we-uh talk in the living room, please?" I asked him as he was standing up.

He nodded and followed me into the living room. I sat on the couch and Pete sat across from me in a chair. 

"I don't..." I said, before taking a deep breath and finishing. "I don't want to make another album." 

"You mean, take another break right?" Pete said confused. 

"No. I mean. I'm done with the band. We've been doing this for such a long time. American Beauty / American Psycho was an amazing hit. I would feel good about that being my last record." I whispered, my voice is starting to go hoarse. 

Pete just stared at me with an unreadable look on his face for a minute.

"You really want to be done?" He said softly.

"Yeah, I really do. Fall Out Boy has been amazing and I don't... I don't want to screw it up. I feel like I'm at a good stopping spot in my life right now and I would be happy leaving everything how it is right now, knowing that the band was a success." I said looking at Pete and smiling slightly. 

"I guess I can't really argue about that. If we're gonna stop, now would be a good time to do it... But Patrick this is a huge decision, you need to think this through." Pete said in a calm voice.

"I've been thinking about this for a long time now." I said lowly, glancing up at Pete. "I'm sure." 

"I need to get going now." I told Pete looking outside to see that the sun is starting to set. 

Pete stood up and walked over to me, grabbing my hand, pulling me off the couch carefully and hugging me. 

"I love you." He mumbled into my hair. 

I bit my lip and wrapped my arms around him. This is going to be that last time I ever see him, I might as well enjoy it. 

"I love you too." I whispered pulling away and looking up at him. 

"Please take care of yourself Pete. I just want you to know that I love you more then anything in this world. You're an amazing father Pete, have fun with Saint. Teach him how to sing." I said smiling and bumping my shoulder lightly to his.

"Most of all thank you. Thank you for everything, if it wasn't for you I would have never made it to where I am today. Thank you for sticking with me even when no one else did." I said, hoping he can't see the tears staring to form in the corners of my eyes. 

Pete looked at me strangely and opened his mouth to reply but I turned around and walked out the door before he could.

"Are you not driving?" Pete called from the door as I stepped onto the side walk.

"Nah, if you don't mind I'll pick my car up tomorrow are sometime soon, I wanna walk right now." I said smiling at him. 

This is it, I'm leaving and I won't see him ever again. I soaked up the image of Pete standing on his porch, wearing black skinny jeans and a white t-shirt. I wish thing could be like they were before, before Jackson, I don't want to say before and Saint because Pete clearly loves his kid, but before the cheating and all the lies. 

I turned around and started walk down the street, towards the park Pete and I used to always walk to. There's a bridge there that we would alway stand on looking over the water, holding each other's hands. 

All good things come to an end. 

"Bye Pete!" I called turning around one last time to look at him. He smiled and waived at me. 

After that I walked with my head down, staring at the pavement. I can finally end this. Everything that's gone wrong in my life won't matter after this.

I'm weak, pathetic person that doesn't deserve to be in this world. All I've ever done in my life is fail. Hopefully I can succeed at this, I thought as I looked up and realized I finally made it to the park. 

I can finally put an end to this eternal hell that I've been living in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda a cliffhanger... Sorry. 
> 
> I will post the next chapter tomorrow! 
> 
> Thoughts on this chapter??


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter of pure angst.

(Patrick's POV)

The park is quiet tonight, not a person in sight. The wind is blowing lightly, the trees are swaying, casting a dark eerie illusion all around me. 

I kept walking through the park until the bridge came into sight, the only source of light coming from a lamp post a few feet away. 

My heart is thumping wildey in my chest, I'm not scared or nervous, I'm relived. I'm happy that the end is in sight. 

I finally made it to the bridge and just stood against the rail staring at the water raging below me. This will definitely do the job. 

I put my hands on the rail and took a deep breath before pushing myself up and over to the other side. 

I stood on the ledge with my arms behind me gripping tightly. I feel oddly calm. I'm really ready to do this, I got to tell Pete goodbye, I hugged him one last time. I wish he loved me the same way I loved him. 

Atlest he's happy now, and knowing that makes me feel better about leaving. I'm not needed in his life, I'm just one more unwanted person on this earth. 

I closed my eyes and leaned forward, my arms stretching behind me. The dull pain in my back, shoulders and arms are just a reminder of what happened, of what I am, a reminder that I can never be the same. That's why I have to do this, if I live, I will forever have a dark cloud hanging over my head.

I don't want to live in this darkness forever, constantly scared, flinching at the slightest movement, being terrified of what happens when someone gets mad or upset at me, always expecting a punch, kick or a harsh slap. 

The worst memory... Being held down, choked, screaming, but it never stopped. He didn't stop. 

I snapped my eyes open and sucked in a sharp breath, willing the images in my head to turn off. They didn't.

Thats how I know, I have to do this.

I slowly loosen my grip on the rail and I lean forward just a little more. I closed my eyes prepared to fall, wanting everything to end when a voice behind me caused me to freeze. 

"Please don't do that." I heard the unmistakeable voice that was Pete behind me. 

My eyes widened and my grip tightened again. I didn't turn around, I didn't say anything. He can't know it's me. Pete's not supposed to be here. He can't be here. 

"My names Pete." He said louder this time. "What's you're name?" 

Good. It's dark he can't see me. How to fuck do I get him to leave. I'm not going to jump off a bridge right in front of him. I just need him to leave. So I didn't reply.

"It's okay if you don't wanna talk. I understand." He said softly. 

"I don't know what you're going through, but whatever it is I can promise you it will get better and I'm telling to this from personal experience." Pete said softly.

For some reason I squeezed my eyes closed and leaned back against the rail. Something about his voice will always comfort me.

But then I remembered that happened. Jackson's sickening grunts as he pinned me to the bed. The bruises covering my skin, it's all still there. 

Pete left, he apologized but it doesn't change the fact he cheated on me, I wasn't good enough, I don't have him anymore. He has his own family now. For months he lied to me, told me he loved me, but it was nothing more then a lie. 

I pushed everyone I love away and now I'm paying the ultimate price for my crimes. None of this would have happened if I would have listened, payed closer attention to what Pete wanted. Maybe then he wouldn't have cheated. 

Maybe then I wouldn't have met Jackson. 

My fault. Everything is my fault. 

I leaned forward and stared at the water below me, wishing Pete would leave already. Why is he even at this park? 

"Wait, stop please. Please come back to the other side." He said his voice sounding a little more pleading the time. 

"I took pills. I overdosed twice when I was younger." He blurted out. 

I froze. He doesn't talk about that, not the second incident anyway. 

"The first time I drove to a bust buy, sat in the parking lot and took the pills. I know what you're thinking. 'Fucking Best Buy?' The second time though... Not many people know about that. I was in New York at some hotel and went to the roof, fully prepared to jump." Pete said quietly. I can hear him breathing heavily. 

"But someone stopped me. That night on the roof of a hotel, I confessed to someone that I loved him, and he did the same. I still do love him. So much, but I hurt him, badly. I screwed up the only chance I had at a happy life. Now he's... I don't know but he's not happy anymore. He used to have that smile that could light up a room, instantly cheer you up. Now he just looks sad, he's heartbreakingly beautiful. I hurt the only person that ever truly loved me." He whispered the last part.

"I miss being with him so fucking much, and I don't what anyone to feel like that about you. You are loved, people care about you. They would be devastated it you did this. This is not the way to go. Trust me." Pete said his voice sounded closer this time.

I don't know what to say, so I stood there with tears running down my face.

"Please, let me pull you back over the rail?" Pete asked hesitently. 

"No." I said in a whisper hoping he didn't recognize my voice. He can't pull me over, I need to do this. 

"Oh God..." I heard Pete choke out after a few seconds of silence.

"Patrick y-you, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay." He said softly. Next thing I know Pete has his arms around my chest and and is pulling me back to the other side of the rail. 

I let out a cry when Pete's hands dug into a extermly painful area on my stomach. 

"It's not, it's not going to be okay!" I yelled at him, but he didn't loosen his grip he just dropped to his knees and pulled me down with him. 

"There's no other way out." I cried leaning forward as much as I could with Pete not letting go. He leaned forward and rested his head between my shoulder blades. 

I can feel him shaking. 

"I love you. I love you and I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry I fucked up but that doesn't mean I don't love you. You can't... Talk to me Patrick!" Pete said his voice rising, he stood up but I stayed on my knees in front his him. 

"You can't keep everything bottled up! I know you're still mad at me. Fuck... I'm mad at me to but you are not alone. You have people that love you. Trick you-you gotta tell me what happened, you have to tell me what you're feeling." Pete said pacing back in forth in front of me. 

I can't tell him what I feel. He'd be disgusted. 

"Goddamnit Patrick Answer me!" He yelled, stopping his pacing and taking a sharp step closer to me. 

I couldn't stop the stream of apologies that flooded out of my mouth as I scooted back away from him quickly and covered my face with my hands.

"I'm sorry, I'll s-stop, I swear! Please don't..." I said as I look up at Pete and trailing off. 

His face was contorted into one of devastation as he walked slowly over and sat down infront of me. 

"Hey, it's me, I'm not going to hurt you. You're okay. Tell me the truth okay. You don't have to talk just nod yes or no, alright?" Pete asked. I nodded and he resting his hand on my knee, only to have me jerk my leg away from him.

"Did Jackson hurt you?" Pete asked moving his hand to the side of my face covering the large bruise. I took a deep breath and didn't flinch this time. 

I looked up at him and nodded my head yes. A look of anger washed over his face before if was neutral again. 

"Does he hit you a lot?" He said running his thumb over my bruised cheek bone.

"Yes." I whispered staring at the ground, blinking away tears of shame and embarrassment. 

"He's not going to hurt you anymore Patrick. I swear, if he even comes near you again..." Pete said trailing off and shaking his head. 

The realization of what I just said slammed into me. I just told Pete. Jackson will make my life even worse, I don't know how but he'll figure out a way to do it. 

"I need to go home." I muttered standing up quickly. 

"Oh no, you're not going back to him. I won't let you. That bastard needs his ass kicked, then he needs to be in jail." Pete said standing up in front of me.

"Pete you can't... You can't tell anyone about this! It's fine, I deserved it, I talked back to him. Please, if he finds out everything will be so much worse." I pleaded. 

Pete let out an uneven breath and moved both his hands of each side of my face, shaking his head slowly. 

"Patrick... Nobody deserves to be hit, this is not your fault, Okay? You can stay with me. He's not going to hurt you again." Pete replied. "I promise."

"Come home with me, back to our house." He asked quietly. 

Even if it's just for a few days. Staying with him sounds nice. I can't let him figure what else Jackson did. He would think in gross, tell me I'm weak. Then I'd have to go back to Jackson, and I can't do that again. 

I don't know where I'm going, but I will not be going back to Jackson. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone liked this! 
> 
> The next chapter probably won't be up for a few day. My schedule is wicked crazy this week, but I will try to have the next chapter up soon! 
> 
> Thank you everyone who has continued to read this story. Your awesome comments always make my day a little better!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long chapter. Enjoy! 
> 
> I'm sorry about any spelling errors! I wrote this chapter on an iPhone.

> (Patrick's POV)

After a few moments of silence I told Pete I'd go home with him. The walk home was silent, Pete held a firm grip on my hand.

"We have to talk about this at home." He whispered as the houses came into sight.

"I need to know everything... You need to tell me what he did, Only if you feel up to it thought, I'm not forcing you to say anything, just know that I will never judge you, and I could never be mad at you for this. It wasn't your fault." Pete said, while he was unlocking his door.

Would he really listen? I don't think he would be so... Forgiving..? If I tell him everything Jackson did. Most of it was my fault. I don't want to lose Pete. Not again.

I tried my to go upstairs before Pete said anything but he grabbed my arm before I could leave.

I hissed and closed my eyes as he held his hand on a nasty cut I got from trying to hold the the door closed, trying to keep Jackson out.

"Shit. I'm sorry, are you alright?" He asked dropping his hand quickly.

"Yeah, I'm just nervous. I'm scared..." I whispered as Pete pulled me gently over to the couch.

"What are you scared of?" Pete asked, sitting down pulling me down with him.

"What you'll say... I don't- You'll be disgusted. I'm scared I will have to lea-"

"Please don't do that." I said frantically as Pete set his hand on my thigh and squeezed lightly.

"I'm not going you hurt you Patrick, never." Pete replied softly but moved his hand anyway.

"I know that, it just... Reminds me of him." I said digging a thumb nail into my wrist to distract myself.

"How? What did he do? How did it all start?" He asked grabbing my hand instead of any other body part, that I was thankful for.

"It was fine for the first few weeks, he was nice, he took my mind off things..." I whispered glancing up at Pete who had a knowing look on his face.

"When I introduced him to you guys is when he started to get snappy with me. He didn't hit me, he would just make snide comments on how much I would eat what I would wear. I got annoyed and I told him to leave me alone, that I was a big boy and could handle myself. That was the first time he hit me." I said staring at the floor. I don't really feel anything, numbness.

"I fought back for awhile but every time I did it would only make things worse, one time I shoved him really Hard. I couldn't get out of bed the next day." I said.

I don't know why I'm telling him this. I haven't talked to anyone and I fell like Pete actually cares. Hopefully he still does when I'm done talking.

"Eventually I stopped trying to fight him, and he got mad if I talked to anyone else, then he started calling me names, not like names a middle school bully would call you either. He said horrible stuff. Stuff I won't even be able to forget." I said blinking as a tear fell down my face.

"It's okay trick, you're gonna be okay. Everything he said is a fucking lie. You're amazing." Pete said scooting closer to me cautiously.

"The night we visited the hospital... That's when it got bad, I-I wasn't supposed to say anything but I started crying, it wouldn't have been so bad if it was just that, but he saw us kiss..." I said biting my lip.

"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." Pete breathed. "I-I didn't know, I didn't think he... God Patrick I'm sorry."

"It's okay. It's not your fault." I whispered.

"It's not yours either." He replied shaking his head.

Yeah it is. Everything.

"What did he do when you got home that night?" Pete asked quietly after a few minutes of silence.

No, no fucking way. What the hell do I even say? So I just reached up and tugged my scarf off of my neck. Showing him is easier.

Pete sucked in my sharp breath and I turned to face him, sitting crisscross on the couch.

"Jesus Christ Patrick. Why didn't you tell someone? We could have helped." Pete said putting his hand on the side of my neck, gauging my reaction.

I didn't move. I just tried to convince my brain that it's Pete touching me, not Jackson. I'm safe here.

"What was I supposed to say? That I'm a grown man that's been getting beat up? That I'm too weak to do anything about it? People would laugh. It's pathetic..." I told him.

"Patrick you were being abused! You-I it's not... People care about you. I care about you! It's not pathetic." Pete said, his voice cracking slightly.

"What else?" He asked. "Where else did he hurt you?

I didn't reply.

"Patrick come on, please." Pete said grabbing my hand.

I pulled my hand from his grip, Pete looked confused before I stood up and slowly slid my jacket off. My mauled arms on full display.

I turned away from Pete. I don't want to see his face. Anger, hatred, repulsement.

I pulled my t-shirt up and closed my eyes willing to tears not to fall. I feel exposed, I feel dirty. I need to take a shower.

"Trick... Turn around. It's okay." He said quitely. Something about the way he said it made me sigh in relief. He really doesn't hate me.

But he doesn't know about 'it'. I turned around to face him. He doesn't look mad just... Sad?

"The bruises on you hips... What-how did that happen?" Pete asked glancing up from my hips to my neck, his eyes widened and he stood up quickly as I pulled my shirt back down.

"Oh my God..." Pete whispered.

"Did he... Patrick did he do more then hit you that night?" He asked putting his hand on my cheek.

Shit. Shit. Shit. I didn't think it would be that hard to tell him.

"I asked him to stop." I said as tears filled the corners of my eyes.

"I said no, but he didn't listen. Jackson... He didn't stop and now I can't... I'm sorry Pete." I whispered.

"He-he raped you?" Pete said quietly, clinching his fist.

"No! No, it wasn't rape. I didn't-we've been dating for six months and we didn't- We didn't Ever sleep together. I should have said yes. I wasn't- I was my fault." I said quickly.

It wasn't rape was it? I said no but he's my boyfriend... I can't be rape..?

"Did you tell him no?" Pete asked, I could see him trying to cover him anger.

"Yes." I replied glancing away from him. I'm embarressed, and I feel like I'm going to throw up any second.

"Patrick..." Pete said pulling my into a hug. I rested my head against him chest, breathing heavily.

"We need to get the police involved... That bastard is not going to get away with this." He mumbled into my hair. 

"No. I don't want anyone else to know! Please, you have to understand how... Humiliating this all it to me. Pete... This... This wasn't supposed to happen. I just wanted someone to love, I didn't want to be alone anymore." I whispered.

"But love is fucked up and doesn't ever last." I added quietly pulling away from him. 

Pete shook his head before replying. 

"Love does last. People fuck it up, make mistakes, sometimes they do things they will regret forever but the love you have for a person will never die. I love you Patrick. I always have and I always will." Pete said softly to me. 

"Pete I love you too... So much. But I'm not-I can't ever be the same. I don't want you to spend the rest of your life taking care of me, worrying about me all the time. I'm so, so fucked up right now Pete... I can't even explain it all to you. I love you so much, but I can't do this to you. I'm not going to dump my problems on you." I said looking up at him. 

"Patrick don't you understand? I want to live me life taking care of you. I want to spend my life loving you, hugging you, comforting you. I know what Jackson did, I know you're hurt both physically and mentally and I want to help you get better. We'll make it through this. I need you in my life to function properly, when I'm not with you I feel like somethings missing. I know, I know, that sounded cheezy as fuck, but seriously Patrick, I love you and I want nothing more then for you to stay with me." Pete said as a tear fell down his face. 

My heart is pounding and all I want to do it hug him. I want to hold onto Pete and never let go. This is where I'm supposed to be. This is what it's supposed to feel like to love someone. People make mistakes, I have, Pete has, but we always pull through. Love is not easy but it's worth it. Pete is worth it. 

"I'm so sorry for what Jackson did to you." He choked out as more tears fell down his face. "I'm sorry I wasn't there, I'm sorry for everything I ever did. I-this shouldn't have happened to you. You are fucking perfect and I... I'm sorry." He said breathing heavily, taking in slow breaths trying to calm himself down. 

"Thank you." I breathed stepping forward and pulling him into a bone crushing hug. 

"Thank you for not leaving, thank you for staying with me through everything, and especially thank you tonight. I want to stay here, with you..." I told him quietly.

He pulled back and stared at me for a minute before he smiled, leaning down and kissing me.

"I love you and I'm not ever leaving ever again. I will help you get through this. I'll call around tomorrow and find someone for you to talk to. What Jackson did to you... That does not define who you are. You are Patrick Stump, a tiny dude with a golden voice and an amazing personality, you are the most beautiful person I have ever set eyes on, you're just... Perfect" Pete said softly. 

"Now how about we got to bed? It's late." He said. 

I nodded. 

"Do you-uh mind if I sleep with you?" I asked as Pete grabbed my hand and started walking upstairs. 

"No, of course not, would you be comfortable with that?" Pete asked as we walked into his room. The same room I was in when I gave Pete paper... 

"Yeah, I mean maybe? I don't know. Jackson and I we never really-we didn't sleep in the same room, he only stayed over night a few times and when he did he slept in the guest room." I whispered. 

"Okay." Pete said nodding. "If you feel uncomfortable in any way, anything at all don't hesitate to tell me." 

"Thank you." I replied. I looked up to see Pete was in his boxers already walking over to the bed. 

I hesitated before I slowly took my jeans off, I was left in my t-shirt and boxers. That's good enough. 

I swiched the lights of and walked over to the bed, Pete was smiling at me from under the duvet. I climbed in to the bed and pulled the blanket over me. I wasn't close to Pete, I was a little scared of what my reaction would be if I got closer. So I laid facing him and stared at him, while he stared back at me. 

It probably would have been weird if it had been anyone other then us, but we're okay. This is us. We're going to be okay. 

After a few minutes I scooted closer to him and he held his arms out. I smiled slightly and rolled over, my back was pressed against Pete chest and one of his arms was under my head and the other was thrown over my waist, resting lightly on my stomach. 

"Are you okay like this?" Pete asked in a whisper resting his head on my shoulder. 

"Yeah, I'm actually think I might be okay, for the first time in a long time." I replied closing my eyes and yawning. 

Laying here with Pete, it doesn't remind me of Jackson, he never held me like this. Everything he did was harsh and hurtful, painful. 

With Pete it's different. His breath is fanning over the back of my neck in a way Jackson's never did. His hand resting on my stomach, his fingers ghosting across a bruise in a comforting manner. 

"I love you." Pete breathed into my ear, kissing the back of my neck. 

"I love you too." I said, closing my eyes and drifting into a peaceful sleep, not worrying about tomorrow, because right now I feel better then I have in a long time.

Maybe, just maybe, everything might turn out to be okay. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so... Even though Patrick is feeling slightly better at the moment, it doesn't change what happened. He's still not happy and he's still hiding a lot of things from Pete.  
> The self-harm, the eating disorder, which will eventually get extermly severe. 
> 
> Next Chapter will be in Pete POV, who pays a visit to Jackson.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pete pays Jackson a visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Trigger Warning" 
> 
> There is physical violence in this chapter.
> 
> Also mentions of rape.

(Pete's POV) 

I woke up slowly, glancing over at the clock on the bedside table, 9:45am. 

I looked down at Patrick who had shifted in his sleep and was now laying with his head on my chest and his arm wrapped around my waist. 

Holy shit I missed this. I missed him. 

I finally got him back. Though the circumstances on which it happened weren't the best. I talked him off a bridge. No, I pulled him off a bridge. If I hadn't gone for a walk last night... He'd be dead. 

I breathed in deeply and kissed the top of his head, l don't know what I would do without him. I regret every fucking time I slept with Meagan. I don't even know why I did it... Patrick and I were close as ever, I just... Me being me I screwed it up. 

This is my fault. The bruises covering Patrick body are my fault. If I had just fixed things, or noticed that he was struggling... I could have stopped Jackson. That asshole, he raped Patrick, hit him everyday for months, he's going to fucking pay. Today. 

I carefully lifted Patrick arm and slipped out from under him, he didnt even move, he's always been a heavy sleeper and probably won't be awake for another 2 hours. 

Plenty time for me to take care of my 'business' with Jackson. 

I walked to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face and got dressed. I went back to the bedroom and grabbed Patrick phone and sent Jackson a text message. A simple 'Meet me at my house'. 

I was about to put his phone back down when a message cought my eye, they were all dated from last night. 

'Open your door I'm outside.'

'Patrick I know you're in there, open the fucking door.' 

'Alright then, be sure to push that blade a little deeper next time you cut yourself.' 

What the fuck? Who to hell says that to someone? Patrick doesn't cut... Does he? I didn't see anything on his arms or stomach, but I'll keep a watch on it. Jackson is just a horrible person. 

I sat Patrick's phone down, feeling like I invaded his privacy. If Patrick ever finds out about this he'll be mad as hell but I'm not letting Jackson get away with this. If Patrick doesn't want the cops involved, I'll get involved myself. 

That fucker deserves a dose of his own medicine. No one hurts Patrick and gets away with it. 

I walked downstairs to the kitchen and slipped my shoes on. It's 10:00am I need to get going, if I want to get there before Jackson does. 

I drove in silence turning the radio off. I'm debating on wither or not to tell Patrick I talked to Jackson. Of course I plan of doing a lot more to him then 'talking' but I don't want to upset Patrick. He doesn't need anymore violence in his life, he probably wouldn't react well to me beating up his... Boyfriend..? No, not anymore, ex-boyfriend. We haven't had that talk yet. 

I pulled into Patrick drive way, sighing when I saw that Jackson had not yet arrived. I walked inside, using the key Patrick had given me a long time ago. 

I looked around the living room noticing a few things in odd places. A couple pictures in the hallway by the stairs were crooked or laying on the floor. 

I can guess how that happened, that's more then likely how Patrick got the ring of bruises around his neck. Being held against the wall. 

I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath trying to cool off the white hot rage running through my veins. 

I walked up the stairs to the bedroom, I pushed to door open and regretted it immediately. There was clothes thrown across the room, the sheets were ripped off the bed. I walked closer and almost threw up as I saw a blood stain on the bed sheet. 

Images of Patrick being held down, begging for Jackson to stop, flashing wildly through my thoughts. I slammed the door brending over and putting my head in my hands breathing heavily, I think I'm going to be sick. 

I'll kill him. I will fucking kill him. 

Just the I heard the door slam and Jackson yelled through the house. All trace of sickness was gone. Only to be replaced with fury, absolute rage.

"What the hell do you need Patrick?" He asked. 

I turned around and walked down the stairs and into the living room coming face to face with the only man I have ever truly wanted to murder. 

"Oh Pete. What are you doing here?" Jackson asked smiling at me. Fucking asshole's acting all innocent he's gonna get it. 

"Nothing much, I just came to talk." I replied walking over to him, standing a lot closer then I needed to be.

"So guess what I did last night?" I asked him trying not to knock him out cold right here, right now. I didn't wait for his reply. 

"I talked Patrick out of suicide, I had to pull him off a brige to be exact." I said staring him in the eye. 

"Is he okay?" Jackson asked, but his face said something different, he's doesn't care at all. 

I laughed. 

"Is he okay? No he's not okay, far from it. He came home with me, we talked for a long time, then he showed me the bruises..." I said taking a step towards him as he stepped back, his eyes growing wider. 

"You abused him, you raped him you fucking peice of shit!" I snapped throwing  the first blow to his jaw. 

He stumbled backwards before standing back up, he's taller the me, but hell if that matters to me, I'm still going to kick his ass. 

"It's not like he wasn't asking for it!" Jackson sneered, his attitude changing quickly. "The little whore was basically eye fucking you every time he got the chance. I dated him for six months and what did I get? Nothing, not even a shitty blow job." He said. 

"I'm going to make your life hell." I whispered before swinging at him again, he dodged this time and hit me in the nose. 

I looked up at him and grinned. 

"You gonna have to do a lot worse then that." I said hitting him hard in the stomach, as he doubled over I kneed him hard in the face. I don't think I'll ever hear anything more satisfying then the sound of his nose breaking. 

He fell to his knees as I punched him in the eye, ignoring the ache in my hand and fisted it in his hair as he groaned holding his bleeding nose. 

If you ever come near Patrick again... I will kill you. Make no mistake about it. I will put you in the ground. Don't text him. Don't call him, don't even think about him. Do you understand me?" I said staring at his bloody face. 

He looked at he before dropping his hand  and spitting in my face. "Fuck you." He said. 

"You wanna keep playing this game? Because that fine with me. I would love to stay here all day and beat the shit out of you." I replied before hitting him in the in the mouth this time, then another to his stomach again.

"You understand me now?" I asked bending down close to him. 

Jackson looked at me for the first time with fear in his eyes.

"Yeah, I understand." He said coughing then moving his hand to his stomach and groaning. 

"Good, because next time I see you or I find out Patrick has seen you, I won't be coming alone, I have a lot of friends who would love to see you bleed." I said to Jackson who was looking at me wide eyed. 

"If you touch Patrick ever again, you're a dead man." I told him, meaning ever single word. 

He nodded and I shoved him backwards. 

"Get the fuck out of this house." I snapped shoving him with my foot. 

He stood up and walked outside quickly, I followed, after locking Patrick door. I saw Jackson walked slowly to his car, limping slightly, I must have hurt his foot somehow. Good, I hope it hurts. 

I watched him drive away and I got into my car and drive back home. I feel a lot better now. I know Patrick is still hurt but at least Jackson a small peice of what he did to Patrick.

What goes around comes around. I just spend up the process slightly.  

When I got home I walked into the kitchen to see Patrick sitting at the table staring into a cup of coffee, he didn't even look up. 

"Pete I asked you not to do anything. Not to talk to him or tell anyone." Patrick said looking up at me. 

"I-I'm sorry, but you can't expect me to sit here and do nothing can you? That man hurt you, he hit you, rap-" 

"Jesus Christ Pete! I know what he did, I fucking lived it. I don't need you to keep reminding me of what he did, I just want to forget it..." Patrick said turning his gaze back to his untouched up of coffee. 

"He's not going to hurt you ever again. You're never going see him again Trick." I said walking over to him and sitting down beside him. 

Patrick but his lip and didn't reply. 

"You're safe here. You're safe now, he can't hurt you anymore." I told him softly. 

"Thank you." He replied quitely. 

Well I didn't expect that. I thought he would be mad at me. 

"I'm sorry for getting upset at you. I just keep thinking he's going to come back... That this is a dream I'm going to wake up from." Patrick whispered looking over to me. 

"It's not a dream, definitely not a dream." I replied grabbing his hand and lacing our fingers together. 

"We're gonna get through this right?" He asked so quitely I almost didn't hear him.

"Yes." I replied immediately. "It's going to be hard, but we can do it. You can do it. It's going to better." I replied squeezing his hand, as I smiled at him. 

The smile Patrick sent me in return made my heart rate speed up and my brain go a little fuzzy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Pete probably seemed mean in this chapter but just try to imagine how he feels. He's hurt and scared, but he's also angry and feels guilty. 
> 
> Let's just be honest... Everyone wanted Jackson to pay... I couldn't wait to write this chapter. 
> 
> Next chapter will be up soon!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's midnight and this chapter is unedited. 
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes!
> 
> Also this is a really long chapter, 3,000 words!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Saint was born eariler but for this story he's younger, and Bronx is not in this one. :/

(Patrick's POV)

3 months later.

I'm getting better. Slowly, very slowly but it's a work in progress. I see a therapist now, twice a week, and I'm a little over 9 weeks clean from self-harm.

Long story short... Pete found out, he wasn't mad he just hugged me and told me everything was going to be okay.  
I didn't have much hope that I could get better a couple months ago, but now it's different.

I do have hope.

I'm still living with Pete, and most of the time Saint, who is dropped of by a reluctant Meagan who is worried it's to much 'stress' on me.

Meagan and I had a long talk a while ago, at first it was weird, I mean... I didn't really know what to say to her. So she took the lead and explained everything. Meagan had no clue I was dating Pete, nobody did. She assured me that her feeling for Pete are nothing past being friends.

We're actually friends now.

Pete and I are sitting at the kitchen table eating lunch, when he speaks up.

"So Meagan is bringing Saint over soon and I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner?" He asked hesitently. "Just the three of us?"

Food is still a touchy subject for me, I was officially diagnosed with AN-BP.  
Anorexia Nervose, Binge/Purge subtype.

I didn't react well to that at first. I denied it for weeks, I was angry at Pete and everyone else who brought up that subject but I soon realized what I was doing wasn't normal. I was sick.  
I still am, everyday is hard but I'm fighting. I'm not going to lose.

I wouldn't ever give Jackson the satisfaction of letting him know he broke me. Well he did break me... I'm just glueing the pieces back together now.

"Yeah, we haven't been out in a while." I replied smiling at him as the doorbell rang.

"It's a date then." Pete said grinning as he stood up and went to open the door and let Meagan in.

They walked back into the kitchen and sat down at the table, Pete across from me and Meagan beside me.

"Hey Patrick." Meagan said smiling tiredly at me. She looks exhausted.

"Thanks for keeping Saint for awhile, I love the little guy to death, but I'm so tired." She said laughing lightly and shifting a fussing Saint in her arms.

"Here." I said reaching over towards Saint who was still crying. "I'll take him." Meagan laid Saint in my arms and I smiled down at him.

This kid has always been able to make me smile. Even when I had nothing to smile about.

"Hey buddy." I cooed rocking Saint slightly. His cries quieted down to small sniffels.

He has the prettiest blue eyes.

"How do you do that?" Meagan asked throwing her hands up in an exaggerated gesture.

"Because Patrick's just an amazing dude." Pete sniggered. I looked over at him and raised my brow, he just smiled at me.

"Okay, okay, no making heart eyes at each other when I'm sitting right in front of you." Meagan laughed.

"Jeeze it's like last time I walked in on you two sucking face in the living room. Bad mental pictures." She added shivering, then laughing.

"Well you should have knocked. It is our house you know..." Pete replied smirking.

"Yeah, I know that... But still, take it to the bedroom... Oh nevermind, I'm already losing this fight, I can tell." She laughed standing up.

"I better get going." Meagan said. "Bye guys, call me if you need anything."

"Oh we'll be fine, have a good time, relax and enjoy your free time." I called as she walked towards the door.

"Will do. Thank you!" She replied stepping out the door.

I sat there thinking about what she just said. 'Take it to the bedroom.' Pete and I... I'm not ready for that yet, it's been three months but that night... It's still there, I may be okay now but it still happened.

Will Pete get mad because I don't want to have sex yet? Well... It's not that I don't, it's just every time I think about it now my mind automatically goes back to 'that' night.

What if he leaves again or goes to someone else because I haven't given him what he wants.

I jumped and flinched away when Pete put his hand on my shoulder.

"Patrick... What's wrong?" Pete asked softly, moving his hand off my shoulder quickly.

Sometimes I'm fine, I don't mind being touched but when I'm thinking about him, about Jackson... It's a bad habit I have yet to break.

I told Pete and my therapist about it, we're working on it.

"Nothing." I replied clearing my throat and standing up. "I'm gonna go lay Saint down for a nap." I added looking down at Saint who's eyes were fluttering shut.

Pete nodded but gave me a look that said 'we're going to talk about this.'

I walked upstairs to Saint's nursery and laid him on his stomach in his crib, he started fussing again and I reached down and rubbed his back.

After he finally quieted down I slowly stepped away from the crib, turning around by the door and almost running into Pete.

"God, you scared me!" I said in a whisper, closing the nursery door.

"Sorry." He replied smiling, not looking sorry at all.

"Let's go talk?" He asked grabbing my hand and leading me into our room.  
I swallowed thickly but nodded and followed him. Pete closed the door behind us, I sat on the bed and he stood in front of me.

"What's on you're mind?" He asked.

Truth, I need to tell the truth. It's better if we're honest.

"Sex." I said bluntly, biting my lip and staring at the ground.

"Oh..." Pete said surprised, his eyes widening. "What about it?" He asked.

"I'm not ready for that yet." I whispered. "It's not that I don't want to, it's just... I can't Pete, not yet... I'm sorry."

"Christ Patrick, you have nothing to apologize for. I fully understand the reasons why, you don't have to explain." Pete said softly sitting down beside me, cautiously setting his hand on my knee.

I rested my hand over the top of his.

"I know, but I still feel bad. I love you so much and I can't even do more then make out with you." I said letting out a sad laugh.

"Hey, I'm not complaining am I?" He replied grinning. The tension seemed to fade away after that.

"You're the best you know that right." I said crawling up the bed and laying down on top of the duvet.  
"Mmm, I think that title goes to you." Pete said flopping down dramatically beside me.

We were both laying on our sides facing each other, silently. Not saying anything just enjoying each others company.

"You're beautiful Patrick... Fucking beautiful." Pete breathed randomly after a few minutes.

"I love you." I replied smiling at him. Even if I don't agree, he makes me feel better.

"I love you too." He whispered.  
Then we just laid there. I don't know how long it was, probably a few hours. I ended up falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

  
I was woken up by Pete frantically saying my name trying to hold back his laughter.

I rolled over to see Pete sitting against the headboard with his knees pulled up and Saint propped against his legs.

"Watch." Pete said with a huge smile on his face.

Pete moved his hand to Saint's side and tickled him. Saint let out the cutest little laugh I have ever heard, Pete was laughing along with him.

I just smiled at the scene in front of me. Saint just laughed for the first time and I got to witness it.

After a couple minutes Pete laid Saint between us on the bed, my hand gravitated towards to baby and I ran the back of my hand over his cheek.

"I really, really wouldn't mind if we stayed here for the rest of the night but it's getting late, so we probably should get ready to go out." Pete said smiling down at me, his eyes going from me to Saint.

"Are you okay with that? There will be paparazzi, probably a ton of them, they're gonna jump to conclusions when they see me out with you... And your baby." I said, remembering how hesitent on coming out before.

"Fuck them. I'm going out with my 'boyfriend' and if they have a problem with that they can shove it." Pete replied smiling at me.

"I'm doing hiding, Patrick." He told me grabbing my hand and squeezing.

I couldn't really say anything, I just smiled at him.

He want people to know, to know that we're dating? I can't believe he actually want's that. The fact that he does makes my heart feel like it's bursting.

"Yeah, okay I'll go get ready now." I replied rolling out of the bed and going to the bathroom. 

I turned the shower on and took my clothes off waiting for the water to warm up. I didn't turn to look in the mirror.   
I know I've gained weight, but weight is okay. I'm at a healthy weight now. I'm not fat, I'm healthy... 

I stayed in the shower for a long time, just thinking. This is the first time I'm going out in a long time. There's going to be cameras everywhere, people screaming questions at me... And holy shit I'm scared. 

Pete didn't really catch onto my nervousness until we got into the car and started the drive to the expensive resturant we're eating at tonight.

"Are you okay?" He asked softly.

"I'm scared Pete... What if something happens? This is the first time I've been out in public except to go to therapy... These people they're- ruthless..? As long as they get their money they don't care what happens to us. I don't want the screw this night up." I told him, my heart beating quickly. 

"You're not going to screw anything up, trust me, and don't listen to a single anyone says. This is our night, our special night that we are going to enjoy and not let anyone ruin it. It'll be fine Patrick. I promise." Pete replied as we pulled up the the vallet parking. 

"Right. This is our night. Fuck them." I said gesturing to the paparazzi who are already snapping pictures of the car. Someone must have told them we're coming. 

Welcome to Hollywood. 

"That's right, fuck them." He replied grinning before stepping out of the car.   
I did the same, and opened to back door and grabbed Saint who is closer to me, I closed the door and turned around to face Pete who was standing behind me holing his hand out.

I grabbed his hand and we walked inside, ignoring the blinding flashed and people yelling questions at us. 

I sighed when we got inside, the doors blocking everyone else out. That was nerve wracking, we basically just came out... 

"Wentz." Pete told the young girl who asked for our names.

"Oh, right this way sir." She said leading us to a small room one the second floor of the restaurant. 

"My name is Cassie and I will be on your service tonight." She said with a practiced smile. 

"What can I get you two gentlemen to drink?" Cassie asked filling our water glasses. 

"Just water for me." I said glancing over at Saint in his car seat staring up at the grand chandelier above us. 

"Waters fine." Pete said.

She nodded and walked away. I picked up a menu and started to flip through it, deciding on what I want. 

Saint was starting to whine and squirm around in his seat, so I reached over and grabbed him up before he got to loud. 

The baby has the healthiest set of lungs on him. 

"You want me to grab him?" Pete asked smiling at me. 

"Nope." I replied holding Saint in front of me and bouncing him gently. "I got him." I added clicking my tongue at the baby, which I got a smile in return for. 

"He's adorable, is he yours?" The waitress asked in a truly friendly tone. 

"Oh n-"

"Yeah." Pete cut in. "He ours actually." He said looking over at me with a big smile spread across his whole face. 

Oh... Wow. I just stared at Pete with wide eyes while he ordered his food, I didn't really hear what he said. 

Ours? He considers me a parental figure to Saint? Of course I wouldn't really mind that, in fact I'm having a hard time keeping the ridiculous smile off my face.

I love Saint like my own, I've basically been around since he was born, he gives my a feeling of being grounded, like... I don't know what it's like or how to explain it. I love the kid, I feel the need to protect him, love him and keep all bad things away from him. 

"What would you like sir?" Cassie asked turning to me.

"Oh, I'll have the Fettuccine ai Frutti di mare." I replied. 

"Okay, I will have your orders out soon." She said filling up our water glasses and leaving. 

"Ours?" I asked Pete as soon as she was out of hearing range. 

"Yeah." Pete replied shrugging. "Patrick you've been around since he was born. I mean my own son loves you more then he does me!" Pete said laughing lightly. 

"Really Patrick. You've really helped me out with him, so much. He's as much yours as he is mine. I can tell you love him, and that makes me happy." Pete told me, his expression grew sad, but before I could ask what was wrong he spoke up.

"I was gifted an amazing son, while I was doing a terrible thing..." Pete said glancing down at the table. 

"Pete..." I whispered not really knowing how to approach this conversation in public.

"Look, it's okay. That was in the past and we can't change that, nobody can, but the future is entirely different. People make mistakes, I do, you do. It's human nature. We can't live in the past Pete, we're better now. We're okay." I said hoping he hears the truth in my words.

"Besides..." I added grinning. "I don't know what I'd do without this little monster." I said laying Saint against my chest and patting his back slightly.

"We'd probably be getting a lot more sleep." Pete replied sniggering. 

He's right to. Saint was talken to crying through the night unless someone is holding him or he's in the bed with Pete and I. It was a little hard at first trying to figure out how to sleep with a baby in the bed and not squishing him but we figured it out quickly. 

We all three sleep squished up together. 

Either Saint will sleep on Pete's chest with me against this side or Saint sleeps tucked into my shoulder while Pete puts his arm around both of us. 

It's a lot more comfortable then it seems. 

"Probably." I agreed as the waitress came out with our food. 

After that we ate in a peaceful silence, occasionally making small talk but for the most part it was silent. 

Before we left Pete left Cassie a very generous tip and I put a now sleeping Saint back into his car seat. 

The paparazzi are we're still outside, I wasn't really expecting them to leave... We can all wish right? 

I yawned when we got in the car and drove home. I rested my head against the window and drifted off. 

* * *

 

"Trick, Patrick we're home." Pete said quitely from beside me. 

I unbuckled and got out of the car stumbling slightly, and followed Pete, who is carrying a still sound asleep Saint and trying to unlock the door. 

"I got it." I told Pete, taking the keys and unlocking the door. 

"Thanks." He replied dropping the diaper bag onto the living room floor and turning the lights out. 

"Let's go to bed, I'm tired." Pete groaned already walking towards the stairs. 

Pete changed Saint's diaper while I put on my pajamas and climbed into the bed. Pete pulled off his shirt and jeans and did the same, laying Saint on his chest. 

I pulled the duvet over us and muttered out a "goodnight" as Pete kissed the top of my head. 

I fell into a deep peaceful sleep quickly after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the whole Meagan being friends with Patrick and Pete thing may be weird to some people but there's no romantic feelings. They've just made the best of an awkward situation.
> 
> As for Patrick and Saint... Patrick considers Saint his son. Saint was born when Patrick was at his lowest point but he still managed to make him happy, he developed a bond with him, just like a parent would. 
> 
> Next chapter will be up soon! The next 2 maybe 3 chapters will be happy/fluffy ones... I won't spoil anymore after that! 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read this story and has stuck with me through all my horrible writing and grammar! 
> 
> I hope you guys like this chapter.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another fluffy, happy family chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unedited.

(Patrick's POV)

9 months later.

It's been a year since my last night with Jackson and I'm doing so much better. I feel great, I'm happy, I am at a truly amazing place in my life right now.

I still have my moments of panic and anxiety but they are far and few between, and when they do happen Pete's always there to help.

The last few months have been crazy though, the band is going good, we haven't really been working on anything new, we're just kinda chilling right now.

After the night at the resturant with Pete and Saint we came out officially during a radio interview, sure a few people were upset and not supporting but most people congratulated us.

The public still doesn't know about my 'issues' I went through, though I imagine some people have a slight idea what happened, a couple people have even asked about the scares on my arms, which was quite rude to say the least...

I'm okay now but I still don't like talking about it, especially not to the public.

"Hey Trick!" Pete called as he walked through the front door with Saint on his shoulders, then going to the kitchen.

I turned the TV off and followed. Pete was buckling Saint into the high chair and putting a handful of cheerios on the tray.

"How was the park?" I asked sitting down in a chair at the table, as Pete grabbed a bowl of strawberries out of the refrigerator and sat down beside me.

"It was nice but it's hot as hell outside." Pete replied taking at bite of the strawberry.

"Dude! Quit swearing around Saint, people are going to think your a bad parent when Saint says his first swear word." I told Pete laughing slightly.

"Well if anyone needs to clean their mouth out... It's you pattycakes." He replied grinning.

"Ow fuck! Who left this in the floor." Pete mimicked me from eariler this morning when I stepped on a set of toy keys.

"Hey! He was still asleep." I said smiling and sniggering.

"Mmhh... Better hope he can't hear you at night babe..." Pete smirked, winking at me.

"Oh my God! Really? It take two to play that game. Your just as much a part of it as I am." I replied raising an eyebrow in his direction, feeling my cheeks burn red hot.

"I love you." Pete said laughing and standing up.

"I'm going to go take a shower." He said smiling and running his hand through my hair as he walked past me towards the stairs, I huffed and attempted to fix my hair.

I ate a couple of the strawberries that Pete lefts on the table before Saint started to whine.

I grabbed him out of his chair and carried him to the living room and sat down on the floor with him.

He crawled around for a while then crawled back over to me grabbed my shirt babbling out a string of unidentified words.

I smiled when he pulled up into a standing position with a death grip on my shirt.

He made a spitting nose and I laughed which causes the baby to laugh along with me, before I could grab him Saint let go of my shirt and clapped his hands, a word sounding an awful lot like 'yay' coming from his mouth.

He stood there in front of me by himself and I grinned.

"Yay!" I replied clapping lightly in front of him, hoping I could get him to do it again.

He didn't. He just laughed and fell backwards on his butt, frowning before grabbing hold of my shirt and standing again and saying something I couldn't understand.

"Da, Da, Da." He repeated over and over making grabby hands up at me.

I sniggered, still haveing not one clue to what he keeps repeating and grabbing his up off the floor and setting him in my lap.

"I spoil you too much." I whispered softly when he rested his head on my shoulder and yawned. I scooted up to the couch and laid down on my back, Saint laying with his arms around my neck and his legs sprawled out on my stomach.

I lifted my head to see that he was already drifting into sleep, instead of me taking him to his crib like I should... I kissed the top of his head and grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and covered us up, I fell asleep soon after.

* * *

 

(Pete's POV)

When I finished my shower and got dressed, I walked downstairs a little confused why there is not noise coming through the house.

Then I was about to walk through the living room and go back into the kitchen when something cought my eye.

Patrick is laid across the couch with Saint asleep on top of him, Patrick mouth is open slightly letting out soft breaths and Saint is snoring softly.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and opened my Instagram app, pulling up the camera. Patrick will probably hate this but they look adorable, I can't resist a picture.

'My favorite people in the world." I captioned it before stuffing my phone back in my pocket.

I started to clean up the living room, picking up all Saints toys he has around the room. I don't know how such a tiny human can make such a big mess. 

After an hour of cleaning the room top to bottom I was finally done. I sat a chair in the living room and picked up a book and read in silence for about 30 minutes.

Then Saint started to stir so I grabbed him before Patrick woke up and sat sack down in the chair, Saint sitting in my lap.

Eventually after he woke up a little more he started to crawl around and I put my book up and grabbed him, and grinned at the baby who is growing up way to quickly. 

I wish I could just freeze time, Patrick's happy and doing good, Saint is absolutely amazing and I'm happy also. I'm so fucking happy right now, my life is finally steady and I love it.

I love the man asleep on the couch beside me and I love my son who is now trying to squirm out of my arms and onto the floor. 

I watched as he crawled over to Patrick and pulled up on the couch, and grabbed Patrick's arm, saying something that sounded a lot like "da" or "dad"

Patrick opened his eyes and smiled at Saint, then squished his eyes closed and stuck his tongue out, Saint just laughed and laughed, causing me to laugh along and walk over to Patrick and sit down beside him. 

"How long was I asleep?" He asked, sitting up all the way and pulling Saint into his lap. 

"Not long, about an hour." I replied, remembering what Saint said eariler.

"Hey, hey little dude." I said catching Saints attention. "Can you say dad?" 

He looked at Patrick and I both before and saying "dad." 

Patrick was looking wide eyes at the baby, then a huge smile worked its way onto his face. 

"Who's that?" I asked pointing to Patrick. He looked over to Patrick, staring for a second before repeating "da." 

"And who's that?" Patrick asked gesturing over to me. 

Saint turned back to me turning his head slightly before saying "dad" quite clearly. 

Patrick laughed. "I can't believe he's already talking." He said softly. 

"I know... He's growing up too fast. Time is going by too fast." I whispered. 

* * *

 

(Patrick's POV)

We just finished eating dinner and we were cleaning up when Meagan came in, knocking before she did. 

"How's he been?" Meagan asked gesturing to Saint. 

"Oh he's been great. He loves to throw things now." I replied sniggering as I rememberd the toy Pete was hit with eariler today.

"Oh joy." She said walking over to Saint and taking him out of his high chair. She seems... Stressed tonight? 

"I can't stay tonight my parents are coming over, so I have to be back soon." She said already walking to the door. 

"Okay then..." I said confused to why she was acting so different.

"Well that was weird." Pete said after she closed to door. 

"Yeah, very." I replied thinking the same thing. 

"Maybe it's because she hasn't been around much." Pete said after a few minutes of silence. 

He had a valid point. Pete and I have had Saint for almost 3 weeks now without a single call or text from Meagan. 

I shrugged not really knowing what to say. 

I was finishing up the last of the dishes when Pete came up behind me and rested his head on my shoulder. 

"What do you want to do tonight?" He breathed kissing my neck.

I turned the water of and rested both my hands on the counter as Pete wrapped his hands around my waist.

I dropped my head and let out a long breath when his hands moved under my shirt. 

"Upstairs." I groaned as Pete found a spot on my neck he liked and decide to leave a hickey there.

"Let's not waist any time then." Pete said pulling away from me and leading me upstairs.

I'm so glad I have Pete. I don't have to be scared of what going to happen, I don't worry about him hurting me... Because even after all this time, everything we've been through, we always end up together.

I feel at home whenever I'm with Pete, and I hope that feeling never goes away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the next chapter... Well it's going to get sad again. Because I'm a horrible person and write angst better then I do anything else.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is unedited.   
> Sorry for any mistakes!

(Patrick's POV)

1 year later.

My life is at the highest point it's ever been. I have Pete, and a little boy that I love more then life itself.

Fall Out Boy hasn't released an album recently but we're still going strong, playing shows again.

I'm not like I used to be, I eat and I'm happy about it, I haven't picked a razor blade with the intent to use it for anything other than shaving. The memories are still there, the scars are too but I'm okay.

"Daddy, daddy, daddy!" Saint yelled running into the room, Pete chasing behind him.

"What's up little man?" I asked smiling at the excitement of Saint.

"I get to stay tonight!" He replied grinning and bouncing on his heels.

I looked over at Pete in question. Meagan normally hates when saint comes to shows with us. Which is what we're doing tonight, playing a show.

He shrugged before replying.

"She says she has 'legal stuff' to work on the next few weeks and we probably won't hear from her." Pete said.

"I hope everything is alright... She's been acting really-uh strange...? I said, not sure how to describe it.

"Yeah, really weird." He replied, sitting down on the couch beside me.

"Well our flight leaves in a couple hours, we should probably get going. I already booked an extra ticket." Pete said as Saint climbed on the couch sitting between us.

"I Hungry." Saint said with a frown on his face.

"How about we leave now and we'll eat when we get to the airport, with all the planes. You love planes." I said to the now pouting toddler.

"Okay." He replied before standing up and running out of the room, he came back with his shoes and sat on the floor trying to put them on.

"You need some help?" Pete asked Saint laughing lightly, already getting up to help him.

"Thank you." He said once Pete got his shoes on him. "We go now?"

"Yes, we're leaving now." I replied picking up Saint as Pete grabbed our bags.

The ride to the airport was filled with random conversation between Pete and I, then the occasional babbling of Saint. He is quite good at talking but sometimes I have no clue what he's saying.

After we parked we made our way inside, I'm carrying Saint, not wanting him to be separated from us.

We got through security quickly and found a small shop to buy food. Saint picked a PB&J sandwich while Pete got a bag of candy. I skipped on the snack, I ate lunch right before we left.

"You're worse then Saint." I told Pete sniggering as he put his candy on the counter along with Saints food.

I payed. Pete and I, after arguing every time about who pays finally decided we'll take turns. My turn is today.

"food." Saint muttered under his breath, biting into the sandwich that he couldn't wait until we sat down to eat.

I laughed at his antics and shifted him so I could carry him easier. Pete grabbed my hand and we walked through the airport, finally arriving at our gate.

"Excuse me?" I heard someone say from behind us.

Pete and I both turned around, he didn't bother dropping my hand. We're gay, we don't hide it anymore and if someone has a problem with that...

Well it's there problem, not mine.

There was a girl and a boy in maybe their early twenties standing there with shy smiles on their faces.

"Would you guys mind if we took a picture?" The boy asked. "And maybe an autograph."

"Sure thing!" Pete replied. "Thanks for asking, I really love when people just ask. We won't bite." He added smiling.

The boy seemed to relax at that and pulled out his phone turning to the girl and handing her the cell phone.

He walked over and stood between Pete and I. We took the picture and then swiched with the girl, doing the same.

"Daddy... Scared." Saint whispered tighting his hold on my neck when a bunch more people came up and formed a circle around us.

"Hey!" I called out when people started to get loud snapping pictures, pushing trying to get closer.

"Guys stop!" Pete snapped. Everyone went quiet and stared.

"Can we please... Calm down a bit? He's scared." Pete said gesturing to Saint, before moving over and whispering something into his ear, causing Saint to giggle.

"We don't mind taking pictures or autographs... But take in mind that He's little, things like this are nerve wracking for him." I said trying not too sound harsh.

The group muttered their apologies and we continued taking pictures for another 10 minutes before everyone left and we sat down.

"That felt shitty..." Pete said sighing and leaning his head back. "I didn't mean to yell at them."

"I was about to do the same." I said as Saint wiggled out of my hold and stood infront of Pete and I.

"I don't like it either... But Saint comes first." I added softly watching the light brown haired boy climb into Pete chair.

"Yeah. He does." Pete replied handing Saint his cell phone to play with.

"What did you tell him eariler, when he stared laughing?" I asked him.

"Oh." He said laughing. "I told him he's already a little rockstar." Pete told me sniggering.

"Hey Saint." I said. He didn't look up, just continued to play with Pete's phone.

"Little rockstar?" I asked grinning when his head popped up. "Are you gonna go onstage tonight and play?" I asked him.

I don't think he really understood what I was saying but he nodded frantically before going back to his game.

We only sat there for another 5 minutes before our plane started boarding. We got on first, having a kid and flying first class makes you a 'priority flyer...'

We bought three tickets Saint is sitting beside Pete and I'm across from the, we'll most likely switch after we take off. Saint doesn't like to sit by himself, he either sits with me or Pete.

I leanding against the seat and closed my eyes, since we got on first there is still quite a lot of people that haven't got on yet.

Having flown on a plane hundreds of times I fell asleep and didn't wake up until we were in the air.

I woke up to the flight attendant asking me if I would like a drink, I said no and turned to Pete, Saint was sitting crisscross in his lap watching a movie on his IPad, eating apple slices.

I decided I would leave them alone and go back to sleep.

I ended up sleeping the whole flight, being woken up bye Pete who had Saint on his hip.

"We're here." Pete said softly laying his hand on my shoulder.

I yawned and rubbed my eyes, then stood up and put my jacket on. Pete stood back to let people walk though.

We walked of the plane with our heads down, not really wanting to be seen right now, but when we got out side we were blinded by camera flashes.

Pete squeezed my hand tighter as security made a path through the crowd and to our car.

Pete buckled Saint in the car seat and I threw our bags in the back going to the front drivers side, Pete in the passenger seat.

We have to drive straight to the venue, which is not far from here. When we got there I went to the back of the building and parked there.

Inside was busy, stagehands running around everywhere. Pete and I went to the dressing room to get dressed, Saint was sitting on the couch.

We stared our warm ups quickly, not having much time. Saint was running around with wide eyes grinning.

I didn't realize how hard it is to watch a toddler and get ready for a concert with thousands of people watching.

I was in the middle of my vocal warm ups when Saint came over and patted my leg to get my attention.

"Whatcha need little dude." I asked kneeling down by him.

"Can I?" Saint asked gesturing to the microphone stand. "Please, please please." He added putting on a pouting face I can't resist.

"You can, tonight. I promise. Dad and I will let you come out here with us for a couple minutes, but you have to wait, just a little bit." I told him softly.

He jumped forward and hugged me, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed the top of his head.

That moment only lasted about 10 second before he pulled away and ran over to Pete who was watching with a smile on his face.

"We are about to go on trick." He called across the room picking up Saint and walking to the side of the stage.

"You stay right here with Chris, alright? We'll be done soon." Pete said handing Saint over to our manager who agreed to keep an eye on Saint for the night.

Saint's lip quivered and he reached back for Pete.

"Hey, it's alright. Remember our deal? You get to go onstage tonight! You're a little rockstar." Pete told him quietly. "You just have to wait a second."

Saint calmed down quickly and Pete and I got ready to go onstage, standing beside Andy and Joe.

"Let's kill it tonight." Joe said as we high fived and made last minute adjustment before going on.

We walked to the stage and greeted the crowd while we got situated, then started to play.

It was a really good show, after 30 minutes I glanced over to the side of the stage and Saint was squirming in Chris's arms trying to get down. I finished the song and we took a short break.

"So." I said setting my water bottle down and turning back to the crowd. "Pete and I promised someone that they could come onstage tonight and it looks like he's having a hard time containing himself." I said laughing looking over at Saint.

Chris set Saint down and he took a hesitent step forward, looking up at Chris in question.

"Come on out little rockstar." I said grinning at him.

Saint ran on stage grinning, stopping to give Pete a high-five then running over to me. People where screaming and cheering and I was nervous Saint would be scared.

"You okay?" I whispered to him as I picked him up.

He nodded yes, wrapping his legs around my stomach.

"That little dude has been wanting to come on stage for a long time." Pete said smiling at Saint. "Tonight seemed like a good night."

I put Saint down and stared to sing the last some which happened to be a song from SRAR, Alone together.

Saint jumped around running over to Pete then over to Andy and Joe, he's always liked to watch Andy play drums.

We when finished Pete picked Saint up and we said out goodbyes and walked off stage.

It's late so Pete and I can't stay too long, not with Saint.

"You guys can take the car I'll meet you at the hotel." I told Pete after he changed clothes.

I have a couple things to do after this so I'll catch a cab.

"Alright, thank you. Saint is about to fall asleep anyway. I love you, be careful." Pete replied kissing me.

"I love you too." I replied as he walked out of the room.

I finished changing clothes and walked backstage, running into a couple fans and talking to the people I needed to, then grabbing a water bottle and walking outside to the ally behind the venue.

I sighed and rested my head against the brick, taking a sip of my water.

That's when I heard him.

"Well, well, well. It's dangerous to be out this late alone Mr. Stump."

"What the fuck are you doing here Jackson?" I hissed spinning around to face him, ignoring the feeling of wanting to empty my stomach on the pavement and run.

"You've gotten pretty cozy these couple years. Pete, and a kid, that's not even yours...? Are you so desperate for attention that you wrecked a family for it?" Jackson pushing me against a wall.

I'm not going to stand for this shit. I'm not doing this again.

"You think you are going to control me again? Fuck you Jackson. Fuck you." I said venomously then I did something I've wanted to do for a long time. I spit on his face.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, stepping away from me.

"You're going to break up with Pete and come back to Boston with me." He said calmly.

"No. Why the hell would I do that?" I ask truly confused.

"Because it would be a shame if something happened to Saint. He's little, accidents happen all the time." Jackson said darkly.

My blood ran cold and my stomch twisted into knots.

"You wouldn't hurt him. He's a kid Jackson, not even you would stoop that low." I said not convinced by my words.

He would hurt Saint. Jackson cares for nobody.

"Oh yes I would, and you know I would Patrick. Now you're going to go back to that hotel and you're going to break up with Pete. I don't care how you do it but it better be done by tomorrow." He said staring at me.

"No. No you're not going to do this. I'm not going to do this. You don't control me." I repeated strongly.

"Here." Jackson said throwing me his phone. "Watch the first video." He said smirking.

What I saw on the screen made me drop his phone. He filmed it. That sick fuck filmed himself raping me?

I looked up at him pale faced and shaky.

"Why... What-why do this? What did I ever do to you Jackson?" I whispered.

"You will leave Pete tonight or else this video will be all over the media and you will never see Saint again." Jackson replied.

"Jackson... Please... I'm happy. I have a family." I said choking back tears.

"A family that was never yours in the first place. You don't belong there Patrick." He told me. "Now go. Don't say anything just leave. Call me tomorrow."

"Alright." I replied turning away from him finally letting the tears fall.

"And Patrick?" Jackson called form behind me. I stopped walking but I didn't turn around.

"I do control you, and don't ever forget it." He said.

I squeezed my eyes closed and stared walking again.

I don't know how I ended up at the hotel, the cab ride was spent in a haze of tears and fear.

If I don't do this... Saint, Pete, all of them will be hurt one way or another. If I do it, Yes, I will hurt Pete but if I break up with him he'll find someone else. Saint... I can't let anything happen to him. I will protect him with my life, which is what I'm going to do.

I love them so much. I'm not going to let them get hurt. I wouldn't risk Saint's life for anything, Not even my life.

Like I told Pete. Saint comes first.

It's for the best, it's better if I just listen to Jackson.

I stood outside the hotel door, preparing myself so walk in there and break up with Pete. I have to convince him I don't love him, even though I do. I have to make him believe me.

I have to do this, or everyone I love will be in danger. Jackson will hurt them and I can't let that happen.

This is what I need to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And.... The angst has returned.
> 
> Next chapter will be up soon!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short but necessary chapter.

(Patrick's POV)

I slid my key card into the lock and opened the door quietly, Saint is probably asleep.

Yep, he is and Pete is laying shirtless on the bed beside him. He looked up and smiled at me, but I couldn't return it. 

"Are you okay?" Pete asked sitting up slowly, looking at me concerned.

It's for Saint. If I don't do this... Fuck the tape. I don't care what happens to me, Saint it's the only thing I care about right now.

If something happens to Saint because of me, I couldn't live with myself, Pete wouldn't be able forgive me either. 

"No. We need to talk." I replied softly keeping my face schooled into a calm mask. 

"What happened?" Pete asked getting out of the bed and walking over to me. 

He reached out but I stepped back, his face fell. 

"Patrick...?" He said hesitantly. 

"Look Pete, I-I don't know how to say this so I'm just going to blurt it out." I told him. 

"I don't think we should be together anymore... I think-I love you Pete, but I just think we'd be better as friends. I'm sorry Pete." I whispered. 

I blinked the tears out of my eyes quickly, Pete's hands were shaking and he put his and on my cheek. 

"Please, please, please don't do this! I can fix this, whatever I did I promise you I'll make it better. I love you Patrick, you can't-I don't.... Please." He choked out as tears leaked out of his eyes. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered wiping away my own tears.

"What about Saint? What am I supposed to tell him? He loves you too Patrick, you're a father to him. We-we were happy...? What happened?" Pete asked wiping his face and taking a step away from me. 

I pretended my heart wasn't just crushed, into millions of tiny pieces.

I don't think there any going back from this, then I said the five words that made his face turn to ice. 

"I don't love you anymore." I said looking straight into his eyes. It physically hurt to say that. 

"Okay, if that's how you feel, you can just go ahead and leave." Pete replied pointing to the door. 

I didn't want to stay and cause him anymore pain so I turned around and walked out, finally letting the tears fall down my face. 

"Patrick?" Pete called right before I shut the door, I stopped but didn't turn around.

"I still love you, I don't think I'll even be able not too. You're the only person I've ever truly loved." He said softly. 

"I'm sorry." I said hoping he didn't catch the waiver in my voice. "I just don't feel the same anymore." I added closing the door with a soft click, not waiting for his response. 

I made it outside before I fully broke down. I let out a loud sob and dropped to the ground. 

"I'm sorry." I gasped out trying to breath. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." I wheezed wishing Pete was here to hear me apologize. 

It's to keep Saint safe, it's for the best. It's over, I did it. Now I go back with Jackson, my life turns to hell and Saint will be safe. 

I can't breath, I can't see past my tear. I can't believe I hurt Pete like that. It's the only way he would believe me.

I sat on the ground crying for what seemed like forever, trying desperately to calm myself down.

Nothing is working. 

I ended up throwing up, I haven't eaten anything in awhile so it was only bile, which hurt ever worse. I dry heaved for almost 5 full minutes before I fell back against the wall breathing deeply. 

I need to call Jackson, before he does something stupid...

"It's done..." I whispered into my cell phone when Jackson picked up. "I broke it off, please don't hurt them." 

"I'm not going to, not now, but if you don't listen to me..." He said trailing off in a dark tone.

"Be in Boston tomorrow, at my apartment, the one on Hanover St." Jackson said shortly. 

"Okay." I said hanging up the phone. I'll probably be hit for hanging up on him but I don't really care anymore. 

I want to go back in the hotel and lay in bed with Pete and Saint, I want to apologize to Pete and tell him I do love him. That's why I'm doing this, because I love him and Saint. That everything I just said to him is a lie, but I can't do that. 

It's 2:30 in the morning and on my way to the airport, for the second time today but this time I'm alone. 

Boston is a long way from here, I might as well go ahead and leave. I don't have my bag or any of my stuff, I have my phone and my wallet.

I couldn't get a flight right away, so when I finally made it to Boston is was almost 6:00pm, I haven't slept in over 24 hours and I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, and cry a little more. 

I ignored my stomach growling and got a taxi to take me to Jackson place. I don't love Boston, especially not this part. 

Rich people. That's the only people who can afford to live in the North End, and I don't like it.

When I arrived at Jackson apartment a stood outside his door, and sighed before knocking. 

Jackson opened the door and let me in. 

His apartment is huge, much too large for one person.

"You room is the across from mine, you still have clothes in there. I already ate dinner so you can just skip tonight." He said looking me up and down. "It doesn't look like you really need it anyway." 

I bit my lip reminding myself it's not true. I'm healthy. It's been so long since I've had all the harsh remarks, I need to learn how to ignore them again.

I nodded and walked down the hallway to my room, shutting the door quietly behind me, sitting on the bed.

I kicked my shoes off and got under the blanket, laying down. I let a couple tears drip down my face, I buried my face in the pillow muffling and cries hoping Jackson won't hear. 

That's how I fell asleep, crying and wishing I was back home in Chicago with Pete and Saint. 

* * *

 

The next morning a woke up around 10:00am and walked hesitantly into the kitchen, I haven't eaten in a long time. I don't want to slip into old habits again. 

I saw a note on the counter and picked it up. 

'I have a surgery all day. Don't screw with any of my stuff and stay in the apartment.    ~Jackson.' 

I crumbled it up and threw it in the trash sitting down at the table with a cup of coffee and a banana in hand, I pulled my phone out of my pocket when it started to ring. 

Pete? Why is he calling me?

"Hello?" I said softly. 

"Where are you?" He asked flatly. 

I didn't reply. What am I supposed to say? I'm in Boston with my ex-boyfriend who raped and abused me...? 

"Patrick, just tell me where you are." He repeated softer this time.

"Boston." I whispered closing my eyes.

"Boston? Why are yo- No... Patrick you didn't.... Are you- are you with him?" Pete asked quickly. 

"Look Pete, it's different this time. I swear." I told him.

"Yeah right. Different until he rapes you again, until he drives you to suicide again? Come back home, we can work this out." He said, sounding like he's crying.

"I love him, it's not like that!" I said. I don't even believe the words coming out of my mouth. Lies all I am doing it lying.

"You... Love him?" Pete asked sounding crestfallen. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat. It's for Saint, I repeated to myself. It's to keep him safe. 

"We have a show in 3 weeks, at Dallas, Texas." Pete said changing the subject and going back to his flat tone.

"I'll be there." I replied softly. 

Pete hung up after that.

I realized then, that I'm not going to be okay this time, there's nobody going to pull me off the bridge, there's no Pete. There's no Pete to help me through this. 

I pushed him away when all I wanted to do was pull him closer and never let go.


	13. Broken closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I forgot about this honestly. I was accepted into my dream University and I'll be moving to a different country soon! But as of now, I'm going to finish this story for you guys. I'm so sorry I've taken this long to update but I hope you all enjoy!

Dallas,Texas.

 

I've been to Dallas countless times, and everytime we have a show here it's awful. The temperature is always unbearable, sweat pouring off of everyone in buckets and the humidity smouthering you. 

 

This time is different, there's a different sort of feeling this time. Pete's here, somewhere in the giant building I'm walking towards right now.

 

I feel relief and pain walking in here this time, relief in that I get to see him again and pain that I can't explain why I left him, while his son slept in the bed beside him. 

 

"Mr. Stump." I heard a high pitched voice call as soon as I stepping through the doorway. I turned and look at the woman, a short blonde with a flat face.

 

"We've tried to call you many times. Both your manager and you band members, next time if you could do us all a favor and pick up your phone." She snapped, before turning on her heel and stalking off. 

 

"Go to the dressing room and get ready, now!" With that she was gone and I raised an eyebrow in the direction she disappeared to. 

 

Well then. Okay. It hasn't even been five minutes and everything's already going to shit. 

 

Im stomach is growling, I'm hungry and I need to get ready, but I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like last time, I don't know why but it's not—I just feel empty. I have no motivation to do anything, I just want to sleep all day, forget about what's happening every night I go back into  _that_ apartment and pretend everything's okay. 

 

I've gotten good at that lately. 

 

The building is quiet, oddly so since the show starts soon. I've missed sound check and I need to get ready now, I don't want to make anyone madder than they already are.

 

I walked down the hallways towards signs that pointed to the dressing room, the only sound was my shoes hitting the concrete. 

 

"Daddy!" 

 

My body jerked around so quick it hurt but I couldn't bring myself to care. It's been weeks since I've seen him. Heard that word from his mouth.

 

I bent down right as Saint slammed into my torso, burying his head in my neck. I closed my eyes and kept tears from building. I missed him so much it's unreal, it's like leaving my own son.

 

"Why did you leave?" Saints small voice broke through the silence. "Dad said you don't wuv' us anymore." He sniffed, pulling back and looking up at me with tear filled eyes. 

 

It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart. He so little, hardly two-years-old. He doesn't understand, that I love him so much. 

 

Jaskson's right, I shouldn't have intervened with Pete and Saints life. If i had just kept my mouth shut all those years and jumped...none of this would be happening. 

 

Saint would have a mother and a father. He'd be happy, not crying over a man who doesn't deserve to be called dad. 

 

"No buddy." I whispered, holding one of his hands in mine. "I love you so much, and sometimes when you get bigger you have to make some hard decisions to help to people you love." I tried my best to explain, to get it across that I really do care for him.

 

Saint looked at me his big tears in his eyes and nodded. "Will you come back?" He questioned.

 

"I—listen to me Saint." I said softly, pausing to make sure he understands me. And continuing when he nodded. "I love you so much more than I'll ever be able to say. But I can't come back." I swallowed the lump in my throat and hugged him close. 

 

"Just remember, You'll always be my little boy, even if I'm not with you. You have to be brave for me, okay?" I said, pulling him back and wiping the tears off his face. 

 

"What a speech." A cool voice drawled from behind me. I let go of Saint and turned to look at Pete. He looks good, as always but there's dark circles under his eyes that are red-rimmed. 

 

He hasn't slept and it's probably because of me. "Come on Saint, stop bothering Patrick." Pete said, gesturing for Saint to follow him. 

 

"No!" I squeaked, embarrassingly quick, remembering I'm supposed to act normal I composed myself quickly. "No, no he's not bothering me at all." I corrected, in a gently voice, holding tight to Saints hand. 

 

Pete looked at me blankly, before shaking his head slowly. "Well, Megan is waiting for him." He replied, his voice closed off. "Saint. Now." 

 

Saint nodded and I let go of his hand. I can't keep doing this, the sooner I let go the sooner Jackson will leave me be.

 

The sooner Saint will be safe.

 

"Bye daddy." Saint whispered, looking away from me with a tearful face and grabbing Pete's hand. I shoved down the urge to tell Pete everything, why I left and tell him I need help; but I stayed silent. 

 

Telling now will bring nothing but trouble and unnecessary complications. 

 

"We need to talk after the show." Pete said, looking straight at me. His eyes are sad and his face is somber. 

 

I'm getting the feeling whatever he has to say tonight isn't going to be 'friendly' talk. I don't even know how he can stand to see me right now. 

 

I left, fucked up his life more than once and now I'm back in it. Trying desperately to balance everything out without losing myself in the process. 

 

"Okay." I nodded, swallowing thickly and watching Pete lead Saint away.

 

There's a growing pit in my stomach and I don't know if it's from the lack of food or seeing Pete again. 

 

Im not starving myself again, I'm healthy, at a decent weight but I've lost my appetite recently. I'm not going to be the weak person I was a few years ago, I'm going to get out of this eventually I just need some time to work it out.

 

I'd be stupid to relapse now. I'm fine, healthy and sure I _want_ to use the razor beside the sink in the bathroom of the apartment, sure I _want_  to be so thin I can see my ribs again. 

 

But _wanting_  isn't an option right now. So I ignore it and continue to ignore the way Jackson's fists feel against my face and drink. 

 

I _need_ a drink and I want this show to be over with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? I've gotten a lot better at writing since I've updated and the first person POV is a little hard to write now but I'm trying. 
> 
> Review and let me know if you liked it!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that since it's been so long since I've updated I'd put two chapters up toady. 
> 
> Thank you guys for all the positive comments! You definitely keep me going.

_After the show_

 

I sat down at the table in the restaurant Pete lead us to, I'm not looking forward to this talk but it needs to happen. I need to make up the most convincing story I can. 

 

I shuddered and bit my lip, my life is nothing but lies anymore. The guilt is eating me alive and I don't know how to dead with it. 

 

Pete's staring at me from across the table. His hazel eyes are blank and I honestly don't know what to say.

 

But Pete broke the silence before it got too awkward. "He doesn't hurt you does he?" He asked me suddenly, genuine care in his eyes. 

 

Yes. He does but that's not important.

 **(Fun fact, I actually wrote this^^whole sentence in my native language before I realized what I was doing.)**  

 

Whats important is staying cool and not saying anything dumb. "No Pete, I told you it's not like that anymore." 

 

He didn't look convinced and pulled his lips up into a sneer. "Show me your arms then." 

 

I furrowed my brows and pushed away the spark of anger that ignited inside me. Am I that weak that he automatically thinks I've gone back to that so quickly?

 

"Are you being serious?" I gritted out, harsher than I intended but that's not the talk I was expecting. "I'm not doing that shit anymore." 

 

"Well you seem to be lying a lot lately so, forgive me." Pete hissed lowly, leaning forward closer to me. "For being the only one worried that oh might slit your goddamn wrists or—I don't know— _try to jump off a bridge."_

 

I'm mad, I shouldn't be because he's right, but his words still hurt. Pete doesn't trust me; he's right to, I am lying but just hearing him say it out loud hurts and angers me. 

 

I jerked the sleeves of my cardigan up and held me arm out, my jaded and rough scars on full display. He cringed and grabbed my right wrist, his thumb running over a particularly deep scar that's clearly visible, even after years. 

 

"Even if—" Pete started in a whisper, the anger faded out of his eyes as he looked back up on me. "Even if we're not together, I still want you to talk to me if you ever feel like this again. Okay?" 

 

I looked him dead in the eye and smiled softly. "Yeah, I will, I promise." I don't even know when it got so easy for me to lie, so easily. 

 

"What can I get you two?" The waitress asked, her voice warm but here eyes locked on my arm that's still in Pete's grip. 

 

I hope to God she doesn't recognize us, I don't necessarily want an article about my marred arm in The tabloids tomorrow.

 

I jerked it away quickly and pulled my sleeve down, embarrassed. "Water and a burger." Pete said, nodding and looking over at me as did the waitress. 

 

"I'll take a burger and and glass of whatever whiskey you guys have." I ordered, watching her nod and walk away. 

 

Pete snorted. "Since when, does the great Patrick Stump drink hard liquor?" He teased, but I could catch the masked curiosity in his voice. 

 

I forgot, I never told him about my drinking during soul punk, it was never something I told anyone. I didn't drink heavily for long, my obsession and deathly fear of calories developed and I poured all the alcohol down the sink. 

 

But those months I did drink...I _drank._ Bottleafter bottle, after bottle. I drank until I couldn't walk. I drank until I forgot about what caused the hiatus. Until I forgot the fight Pete and I got into the night we split the band up. 

 

I got used to waking up with a killer hangover and making myself sick to speed up the process of detoxing the alcohol, just to do it all again a few hours later. 

 

"Guess I picked it up from you all those years ago." I shot back, referring to his wild days in his early twenties. 

 

Pete stuttered and ended up shaking his head. "Just be careful." He said seriously. "You know how much that shit fucked with me." He shuddered. 

 

I nodded in understanding, I remember the days when Pete would get blackout drunk while high off whatever pills he had taken. It wasn't ever fun dealing with drunk Pete, but you do anything for the people you love. 

 

I hate to say but I've definitely done worse, drank a whole bottle of whiskey and gone into fits of rage that I didn't even remember until the next morning when I woke up with broken glass around me and scraped up fists. 

 

It was silent for a long time after that, Pete and I didn't talk much. Our food came and I drink my whiskey before I even ate the burger. Trying to drowned the thought of how many calories are in the burger away. 

 

"Patrick." Pete said suddenly. When I looked up from my half eaten burger I saw him looking at me closely. "I want to ask you one question, and if you answer me truthfully I'll never bother you again; but I need to know the truth."

 

Anxiety twisted my stomach up into knots but I nodded slowly.

 

This is the whole reason he brought me here tonight, I can feel it. 

 

"Are you truly happy with Jackson? Or is he—are you with him by your own free will?" He asked, timing his head slightly with a careful expression on his face. 

 

I know exactly what I'm supposed to say, but I still stay quiet before I answer. Debating on telling Pete the truth. 

 

But Jackson has the tape, Fall Out Boy would end if it ever leaked. I'd always be know at the 'one who was raped' my career would be over. And Saint.

 

Jackson doesn't make empty threats, I want to get the police involved, I want help but I know I wouldn't get it. Especially not after all this time. 

 

I've got this far. What's one more lie right? This web I've got myself tangled into; I can't see myself getting out of it anymore. No matter what I do, there's never going to be a good ending for me. 

 

"I am." I said, a smile working it's way onto my face as I watched Pete's crumble. "He's changed and I really do love him." 

 

I saw Pete swallow visibly, as he blinked his eyes rapidly and stood up. Tossing a twenty doller bill onto the table and putting his hand on my shoulder, locking his eyes down on mine.

 

"Just remember." Pete whispered his voice cold. "I was the one there after he beat you to a pulp and raped you." He said in a low voice. "I can't keep up with this push and pull game anymore Patrick. So, I hope you're telling me the truth and happy with him." 

 

"Because I don't know how much more of this _I_ cantake." Pete admitted, dropping his hand and stepping back away from me. 

 

"Tell Jackson, I hope he rots in hell." He hissed, turning on his heel and leaving the restaurant. 

 

I closed my eyes, squeezing away the tears burning in them and throwing another bill on the table before walking out swiftly with my head down, heading toward the nearest liquor store. 

 

Why do I fuck up everyone's lives? Push the people I love away and hurt people? 

 

Either this ends with Jackson in jail or me dead, there's no in between anymore, and for the first time in years...I hope it's the later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments help me a lot and I would greatly appreciate them!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to slap a GIANT TRIGGER WARNING on this chapter.

 

 

I can't see straight, the balcony I'm standing on, feels like it's spinning and the city lights of Dallas seem blinding bright. 

 

Raising the bottle of whiskey to my lips, that I picked up from the CVS around the corner after Pete walked out, I took a long drink. I couldn't really stomach the thought of him being out of my life permanently; so after the first gulp of the burning amber liquid, I threw up everything in my stomach. 

 

That was almost three hours ago and I'm hammered drunk right now.

 

I looked like some pathetic alcoholic, stumbling around the city with a bottle of liquor, heaving everything up. 

 

Eventually I checked into my hotel, went to my room and started drinking. I forgot how much I hated the taste of alcohol, the burning in your throat and stomach as it goes down.

 

But it numbs everything, I forget, I don't feel like such a bad person. I forget about what I did to Pete. Every time I look into the mirror I want to scream. 

 

I hate the person that looks back.

 

 _Weak_ , _Pathetic_ , _Addicted_ , _Lonely_ , _**Sad**_.

 

"Goddamnit!" I yelled, gripping the near bottle of whiskey in my hand tightly and hurling it at the wall. I let out a sob and slid down against the railing, pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my torso, digging my nails into the (nonexistent) rolls of fat. 

 

"I wanna go home." I choked out, moving my hands to my hair and gripping tight. I need something to distract me, and pain is all that works. 

 

 _"I wanna go home. Please, please, please. I just want to go back to Pete._ " I whimpered. no ones here to listen, no ones here to take me. 

 

Just me and my drunk whining.

 

This is all on me and I don't know how to handle it. It feels like there's weights on my chest and I can't breath properly, I can't seem to pull in enough oxygen. 

 

I need to find that tape. If I find the tape maybe the police will put Jackson away. Everyone will find out, I'll never be looked at the same way again. But I can go back, I'll have Pete and Saint, I could be happy again. 

 

If Pete let's me back in. 

 

I stood up on shaky legs and stunned through the door, tears still streaming down my cheeks as I went towards the bathroom. I turned the shower on as cold as it would go and stepped in. 

 

My stupid, drunk self not caring that I'm ruining my brand new clothes. The water felt like little knives stabbing into my skin and I sucked in a sharp breath, it's numbing. 

 

Bone chillimg cold. 

 

I sat down, the freezing white tile pressimg against my back while I shook violently. My stomach hurts again and I'm still crying and the cold water isn't helping. 

 

Then I saw it. 

 

"No." I groaned, looking on the corner shelf in the far side of the shower. There's a shave kit, cream razor clean blades. 

 

This isn't fair, it's like someone's telling me to do it. Maybe it's a sign I shouldn't be here. I—just one cut can't hurt right? 

 

I reached out for it and swallowed thickly at the feel of it in my hand again. People don't understand what it feels like. The feeling you get when you pick one up, your heart starts to beat quicker and you crave to feel something. 

 

I coughed lightly and pulled my shirt up, exposing the pale stretch mark littered stomach, it's gross. Something I'll always hate, no matter if I'm eating normally or eating five-hundred calories a day. 

 

Pushing the blade into my skin is harder than I thought it was going to be. I can't bring myself to do it, I want to. _Oh God,_ do I want to, but that means I'm no better off than I was a couple years ago. 

 

If I stoop down this low, I don't have any motivation to pick myself up. I don't want to go through recovery again, I won't.

 

My hand is shaking heavily, the blade is shining under the fluorescent lights. One time, that's all. No more after this.

 

I ignored any rational thoughts I had and pressed the blade into my stomach, before I changed my mind and leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes. It's a relief, the sharp sting of the razor dulling the thoughts running through my head.

 

There's blood pooling on the tiles beneath me; I cut too deep without realizing it. The cold numbing it almost instantly. 

 

"Shit." I breathed, looking down at what I've just done. There's a deep gash on the lower left side of my stomach, going from my hipbone to my navel. 

 

I didn't mean to, I was upset, angry and it just happened...And now that it has I don't feel any better. I chunked the razor blade across the bathroom and reached up to turn the ice cold water off.

 

My hands are turning blue and my vision is swimming in black. I ignored it and tried to stand up. 

 

Only to stumble backwards into the shower, landing on my ass and letting out a yelp when the wound on my stomach throbbed. 

 

This hurts a lot more than I remember.

 

I haven't felt this light headed in years when I was at the height of my 'eating disorder' as they called it. 

 

Even while I'm bleeding in the shower, I couldn't help the snort that fell from my mouth when I thought about it. Maybe I had one back then when I was thin but at my current weight...I  _can't_  have one. 

 

I'm fine, this time. I have everything under control. 

 

 _ImfineImfineImfine_.

 

As I reached out for the bar holding the towels by the shower my vision blurred even more and my body started to feel like it's floating. I groaned and tried to blink the blurriness away.

 

ImfineImfineImfine.

 

I stumbled forward out of the shower, falling onto the floor. My head met the tile with a dull thud and everything went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first off. I wanna send a shoutout to @Hum My Name (My_Kind_Of_Crazy)   
> You've literally read every single one of my stories and left positive feedback on all of them. I just thought I'd say I appreciate it.❤️  
> And an additional thank you to all the other readers who have stuck with me through my very (crazy) updating schedule. 
> 
>  
> 
> Now. 
> 
> The angst is real in this chapter but it's coming to a permanent end soon so be ready! 
> 
> What do you guys want me to do with this story? I'm not sure how I want to finish it yet so throw some ideas around in the comments!

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and review.


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